Induction time...

We're scheduled to go into the hospital at 9pm tonight. To get induced. So here are my final thoughts.

I sit here. Starting this at 5:29PM. In 3 hours I figure I’ll be leaving for the hospital. In just 3 hours. I’m not hungry. There’s not a single ounce of appetite in me. I’ve eaten VERY little today.

Am I nervous? Indirectly I believe I am. Indirectly I say, as I’m not blatantly flipping out. I’m rather mellow. But I feel that familiar feeling of nerves. That mild sense of nausea that sits on your chest and reminds you that in fact, something is going to happen. Anticipatory is what I feel. Something is so clear to come, yet there are so many possibilities on what can happen. It’s not a bad thing – not in the least. It’s just a nerves thing. My home is quietish. The sound of the TV while Rob watches the Giant’s game. The sound of the keys on my laptop as I type this out. The creaks of the house. The occasional car up Conant Street.

Surreal. I awoke at 6am this morning with this overwhelming feeling that my ‘belly’ was gone. I just swore that my tummy was flat. Soon enough this belly, as I know it will change, and that little being that lies in me, that squirms in me, that has been there for 9 months won’t be there. He will be outside, developing day-by-day and week-by-week. He will be a separate person, a person with his own character, his own personality, and his own ambitions. A person who is a piece of both Rob and I, who will share attributes of both of us, who will learn from us. Who will be our responsibility.

It’s amazing. They call it the miracle of life for a reason huh?

So I sit here knowing that the beginning of change is just a few hours away. I sit here knowing that I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen. Powerless to do anything, to control anything, to plan anything. I have to let those who know what’s best do what’s best. I need to let my body respond the way it wants to respond. My job is to cater to it, to go with a mild combination of instinct and decision. To understand some and decide what is best. I know not what to expect physically. I don’t know how the pain will feel, how my body will respond, or how I will.

I worry.

I’m a pessimist at heart. I set myself up for worst-case scenarios. I research. My fear is palpable. I’m getting induced. My body is not naturally going into labor and there is NOTHING that will say that it will in fact want to go into labor even with medical treatment. It can all out decide that it doesn’t want to. I fear the inducement will fail and that a c-section will be inevitable. I honestly feel less of a woman because I did not go about this on my own. I understand the doctor’s policy and I also know that I can choose to go against it. I opt not to. I think I’m ready. I think I can seriously take on whatever comes to me. Be it a successful inducement or a failed one. Be it a natural birth or a c-section. What’s important right now is this little being inside of me. What’s important is now bringing this child into the world. To become its mom. I can only hope and pray that everything will work out well.

I won’t lie. I’m scared.

Beyond that, I’ll admit to being close to terrified of what is to come. Life as I know it will change. I have resolved to take things in a ‘go with the flow’ kind of attitude. This is an attitude I do have in a way, but not anywhere close to what it will now be. I must change the person I am. I like the fact that up until now, things were fairly plannable. Things I wanted to do could just be done the way I wanted to do them be it planned or spontaneously. Neither of these is guaranteed anymore. I might be able to do some things. I might not. Letting go is hard.

But it’ll all be worth it. Today for the first time I saw Rob in a realization. Setting up the car seat base in the car, ready to what is to come in the next hours. He claims not to be nervous, but he has ‘stomach issues’ and so although he might not be nervous mentally, he is physically. We are going to be parents. We are going to have a baby to call our own that we will be responsible for, that we will love, that we will guide and that we will teach. We will introduce him to all the world has to offer, and hope that he will enjoy and take advantage of what’s available to him. We will worry, we will panic, we will laugh and we will cry with every passing moment. I’m going to be a mom. Rob is going to be a dad. We are taking one of the most difficult jobs out there and making it our own. We are as ready as we’ll ever be. I can only hope to do it to the best of our abilities. I can only hope to succeed in giving this child everything we can. I can only hope that we will be successful in parenthood.

It’s an overwhelming pressure. I doubt myself consistently and will second-guess most of what I do. I know I will need help and I am so eternally grateful that I can get help. Grateful that I have my mother, who is here right now and who will probably not get a lick of sleep tonight in anticipation of this child. She is so excited, so ready to be a grandmother and to smother the child in affection. I am so grateful to have my in-laws. Aida and Roberto have been 2nd parents to me, always with arms wide open and hearts of gold. They have prayed for us, are excited and anticipatory. I am grateful for the friends and family who have called steadily in the last three days or have passed by. Who send us luck, and love and who we will see again, all next week as they come visit. I am grateful for my sisters in law and my brother in law, who call almost DAILY. I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life, who understand us and our quirks and who will support us in much of what we attempt to do as well as offer what assistance they can. I am so beyond grateful for my online world to. My friends from all over, who truly love and care for me even though MOST of you haven’t met me but know me so well and who I speak to everyday in typewritten words.

I am overwhelmed with the amount of love that surrounds Rob and I. I know that this child will be even more loved since there are already so many people who love it and who are praying and anticipating it’s arrival.

So soon…so very soon. I can’t believe it’s here already. I can’t believe the time has finally come. I can’t believe that 9 months have passed. So in denial before, and so in blatant realization now. I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I am simply happy. Happy to be where I am, happy with what life will be bringing me and both joyful and scared shitless. Things are about to change in a most magnificent way.