The torch has passed. Relax.

I don't know what to write. There is so much going on in my head as of late that I'm not focused on documenting what's going on in my life. So many things happening and yet I feel if I write them down I will be overwhelmed. Things at times are good. At times it feels as if my world is collapsing around me. There are things I understand and things I long to understand. Patience, never a strong suit of mine, is the only thing that I am supposed to be adhering to and I battle it. I have always wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. Life just doesn't work that way.

I went to a meeting in the city at the Cupcake Cafe directly after work yesterday.

Although I'm not a fan of the cupcake (or this ones confection at all), the frosting is what makes them and I will suck off the frosting and dispose of the often times boring cake associated. Which is what i did yesterday. But I digress, I do love this location for meetings though. Its a kitschy little place that shares its space with a children's book store. Just very warm and inviting and it was a good meeting.

I parked 3 blocks away (free parking!) so after the meeting it was already almost 8. I walked slowly and enjoyed the smell of the city, its bustle & vibe. I felt nostalgic as I always do when I'm back but I also felt enveloped in warmth. Hugged so to speak. And when I got to the car and sat down I was awash with tiredness. My feet throbbed as if I had been on my feet all day, my back hurt, my arms were sore. In that 3 block walk I managed to do something I haven't done in a while.....

RELAX

I let my guard down enough that I was overtaken by my body. I was so tired and yet it felt good to be tired. I embraced the feeling that evening. It felt good to FEEL something. It's peak wedding season. I'm working the full time job which has picked up a wee bit *thankfully.* I'm taking care of meetings, I'm out early mornings on weekends and not returning until late into the night. I'm constantly on the go and in that rush from here to there and back again I'm left with tunnel vision. Moving onto my next destination with no time to really breathe in the world around me. No time to really FEEL. My kids reach out to me every time I walk in the door as my presence, much to my dismay, is short lately. I sat with them yesterday on the couch. One on each side with their little heads on my chest and smiled. I felt satiated. I valued the little time they sat with me before they buzzed off in their toddler states to their next endeavor. I enjoy the fact that they want me around, need me but yet know that I do what I do and can let me go to do it. We've adapted to enjoy the time together as much as possible I guess. Or maybe that's what I'm telling myself.

I work hard. I don't give myself credit for that but I do. I realize how much my mom used to work as well. How much she still does. I realize now how much my mother in law works. They both have raised children and now assist with their grandchildren and the work they do in that is rewarding and everything around them affords them that reward. And that is what I'm doing now. Working hard for the reward of 4 little arms wrapped around me and a plethora of stolen kisses that make everything worthwhile. The torch has passed to the next generation. I realize that now. I need to remember to relax. I realize a lot when I give myself the opportunity to see what's around me.

I should take walks alone in the city more often.

Adulthood Defined and I'm going to be on TV!

This past weekend I was lucky enough to find time to visit my friend Rita with whom I worked alongside back when I was just 20 years old. It seems like only yesterday but it’s been 10 years. WOW. I was blessed to meet Rita when I did. Me a young spit fire, devil may care stick of a person; her, a mother, wife and overall fabulous person. I truly believe people come into your lives at certain times for a reason.

Rita was significant in teaching me how to keep my mind on track, aspire to goals and put necessary limitations on myself so as to not fly off the handle or put myself in a position I would later regret. I always tell myself that Rita is a mentor, my personal guru. I always found it easy to talk to her. She has always helped guide me if I needed it with respect and with smiles.

So I got to see her this weekend and for the first time since I met her so long ago, I felt in a place where I didn’t come looking for advice. For once I sat with Rita and we were kind of at the same level. And when she smiled at me she did so not in that ‘let me help you see something’ kind of way but in that knowing ‘you’re there’ way that made me somehow feel proud of myself. Throughout our conversation I realized how adult-like I sounded. How I’ve managed to analyze my thoughts and react accordingly rather then fancifully hope for the best and allow the world to just work its way through things without any assistance from me. I’ve grown up. In her face I saw that she saw it. From the way I calmly corrected Ari for his poor behavior, to the ease with which I handled Nilsa. Through it all she had that tell tale knowing smile.

Stupid as it may sound, I haven’t really sat back and realized how I’ve moved into this whole adult thing. I’m still the devil may care chick I was when younger and I still blurt out how I feel and jump at opportunities to get what I want when I want it - but I do so while being very aware of what I do and why I do it and what effect it will have to my family and life. And that my friends, is adulthood. Just sitting with Rita made me realize how much I have developed. What kind of person I had become. And you know what??? I like the person I am. And I’m excited at the fact that I can say that!

Don’t get me wrong. I still feel disjointed at times. There are still a lot of unresolved questions in me and again, as always, and as I have said in previous entries, time is my enemy with getting everything done. Yet I find that time has also been my friend in getting me to be the person I am. Only with time do you grow. I have an unstable relationship with the clock.

MAKEOVERS ON NATIONALLY SYNDICATED SHOWS
In classic Dianne fashion, I ran into an ad on Criagslist that was looking for people for a makeover. On a whim I sent in a picture of Miggy (my sister in law) with a note about her being a mother to a newborn after having had her first 12 years ago. And not ½ hour later they called me about it.

To make a long story short, Miggy agreed to get a hair makeover for the show and both she and I will be on the nationally syndicated The Morning Show with Mike & Juliet on Friday. It’s my first time ever on TV so I hope I don’t look like a complete moron. I plan to have a digital camera on hand to document the day so stay tuned. They videotaped a segment yesterday at Miggy’s house so I got to take pictures of the newest member of the family – 6 week old Adelia. I have not uploaded the pictures yet but I will share them once I’ve got them up.


PICTURES PICTURES AND MORE PICTURES