On self sabatoge and the zen nature of leaves

I’ll admit it. I am notorious for sabotaging myself. I set myself up for it. I walk into things with an immense passion and motivation. I always have. Grand ideas and lofty plans all written up, thought over, researched and nitpicked. I share my plan, get it started and somewhere along the line I get distracted. It’s not that the passion isn’t there. It’s not that I’ve lost the motivation or WANT to do it. The issue ends up being a bit of exhaustion, a sense of overwhelming and probably a bit of boredom. I still crave whatever it is that I was doing or planning to do, it’s just I’m mentally out of commission. I hit a creative and physical funk.

What’s worse is that during this state I actually go numb. E-mails go unanswered, calls go to voicemail and I just step away from myself. I see them all come in and at time read/listen to them, I know that they’re an easy answer and easy fix and yet I ignore them. My research becomes dated; my plans gather dust and soon the spiders begin their network of webs. And at about that time something fuels me back to life and I clear the cobwebs in my brain and get back to doing what I was supposed to do. Most of them are the most trivial things; Things that would have taken me seconds if not minutes to complete and yet I have let them fester and gurgle and procrastinate on. It’s one of my worst faults. I just drag things out rather than just completing them. Laziness and boredom take over my usual energetic and magnanimous attitude.

Funks are funny that way. I think many of us are overwhelmed with life in general. We don’t take enough time to smell the roses. Instead we run around full throttle and way above the body’s speed limit and we have the audacity to bitch and moan and complain about it all along. We wonder why we’re so tired, why we don’t have time and why we are aging so quickly. I yell at myself often – SLOW THE F*CK DOWN - but who listens to their own advice? My brain is so overloaded with what it needs to do that it has no time to stop and listen to reason. I’d like to figure out a way to make it SHUT UP.

And then there are those moments of ZEN. Those moments where your mind and body and spirit are where they need to be. Where life is happiness, worries are minimal and smiles permeate ever being around you. It’s utter joy! It’s as simple as playing in a pile of leaves.











Life needs to be more simple.

Busy is a good thing

I've been missing in action lately. I know. There are lots of things going on in life and in my head that I just can't share right now. I'm in an interesting place with no answers and not much clarity. I know this all sounds so cryptic but I'll be able to disclose it in the short term future. Right now, I can't because I really don't know what to say or for that matter, much of the reality of it all. But soon.

I do feel bad for not updating so this is a brief update with pictures from Halloween you can enjoy.

Trying on the costumes

Halloween parade at school

Halloween

And how about 2 adorable kidlets making cupcakes.

Back to School

Ari starts a full day of school this year. Monday through Friday, 8:30am to 2:30pm. I’m totally excited about this. I know it will be so good for him. He loves camp now (need to post on the wonder and fabulousness that is Salta Jump into Spanish) Beyond that I’m incredibly proud of myself for having mailed in all the required documentation for the school including immunization forms. I feel totally organized!

I’ve always loved the start of the school year. I get giddy going to the store and seeing all the back to school supplies. I used to want to buy my supplies the minute I saw the notebooks lining the main aisle at Woolworth (remember them?) Even as a catholic school uniform wearing kid, shopping was part of the new school year. New shoes, new clothes, pencils and pencil cases and folders and such.

And it’s kind of a bummer that I don’t have the opportunity to shop for Ari’s back to school stuff. The school literature basically said “pay said and said amount and we’ll provide all these supplies.” What are the few things we are responsible for?

• 3 boxes of baby wipes,
  
• 3 boxes of tissues
  
• 5 glue sticks
  
• 1 4oz. bottle of Elmer’s School Glue

Oh well.

And as organized as I claim to be, I did not start reading the required “at least” 3 books from the summer reading list. I think considering this is Pre-K I can get away with it right? Maybe I should get the books huh? I have a month till school starts.

Books on the reading list:

• Me and My Mom – Alison Ritchie
  
• The Very Hungry Caterpillar – Eric Carle – we have this one and have read it
  
• the Kissing Hand – Audrey Penn
  
• Chicka Chicka Boom Boom – Bill Martin Jr.
  
• Clifford: School Days Treasurey – Norman bridwell
  
• The Doorbell Rang – Pat Hutchins
  
• If You Take a Mouse to School – Laura Numeroff

I do feel bad for Nilsa. She gets bummed when Ari goes to camp for the day and now she’ll be without her brother for the most part. I also wish she had some school to go to. Unlike Ari she makes the cutoff for school year. So next year she can go to full day pre-k. I wish she would have some 2 times a week 2 hours a day kind of program like Ari had to just prepare her for it. I feel going from with daddy/abuela all day to school all day would be extreme. If anyone knows of something like that please let me know.

Full Life...

Life is full. I think full is a better term then busy. I mean it is busy but its just overwhelmingly full. Full of things to do, full of life, full of love and full of dreams. I scored yet another GREAT Craigslist find. A kitchen set for the kids that's NOT Plastic. And I got pots and pans and food and stuff all for $60. Score. It has caused me to reconfigure the breezeway yet again. And I'm glad for it. A good cleaning, 2 trips to ikea, some online finds and I'm damn happy with the look of the breezeway. I love that they now have a dedicated space to play. I like that it's outside and yet inside. My mom pointed out to me the other day my love for the breezeway/play area stems from my childhood. I had what could be the equivalent. It was an extension of the house my dad built out with full windows all around. I called it the little housie. It was my space. It was my playroom. It is where I spent HOURS. And now my kids have their own little housie in the breezeway.

Last Sunday I spent the day running around town with the kids. We took a drive, found a random street fair, drove some more, went food shopping and basically cruised all day. Rob in turn spend the day (and the Monday following) putting together a new playset for the kids in his parent's yard. We got the new one since the one they had was one of those great older metal ones that just got to the point where the outdoor elements got the best of them (rust/cancer) and didn't look so stable anymore. But I digress. In our drives we were in Scotch Plains and the day before was the big town wide garage sale. Well everywhere on Sunday things were stewn about in garbage piles and at a stop sign I looked over and saw a doll house sitting by its lonesome and I've been looking for one for Nilsa. So I took it home and after a good washing it was perfect. Another Score!

Over the past week or so the moon must be in some sort of something because the kids are just....great. Not that they're generally not great but I think that they've both turned a corner or something. They are actively playing together. They did so before but now it's more so. Like the dollhouse - Ari will ring the doorbell and Nilsa will open the door and they will have the dolls/animals/cars have an interaction. They do things together. Its heartwarming and independent of Rob or me. Rob will be working in the office. I'll be in the kitchen and they will run between the living room and the breezeway/play area and do their thing. It's absolute bliss.

Both Rob and I visited the doctor this week. Rob's having sciatic pain in his other leg which was concerning. Although he's at a good weight (lost over 10lbs so far) and goes to the gym daily, he's basically forgotten the exercises he needs to do to help his back. So the doc prescribed physical therapy and that should fix it up. He has to keep at that to avoid back surgery. It's the last thing we all want. I went in for my knee pain. It's been over a year and the pain is still there. It's the same thing as before - runner's knee/Patellofemoral pain syndrome, but because I still have it, I'm being sent to physical therapy too. I was also told I need to get orthotics for my shoes as I have a slight overpronation due to my flat feet.

Pictures...

Dollhouse






Toothless Grin


Why we put a slide lock on the top of this door (yes he did in fact open it already on his own prior to the installation of lock and yes, Nilsa did go outside and down the concrete steps and yes, she did land on her head UGH)


Sunday morning in video


Kids in the playroom/breezeway w/ new layout to include a mudroom area and the new play kitchen










Older photos....bruise on her face here is when she went head first down a slide


]

Then once that bruise healed she got these. The barely visible bruise on her forehead was from falling down the concrete stairs in the back and the one on her eye was from her trying to ride a tricycle backwards and landing on her face.





Yes, Nilsa is my 'have no fear' child.

Friday morning when not at work = Perfection

I know I haven't posted lately. Its' the start of wedding season and the weather is getting nicer. That means I really want to be in front of this computer less and less. So why on my day off am I sitting at the computer?

Well I'm in the best place to be on the computer. The comfort of my own bed. In a quiet house where both Rob and Nilsa are fast asleep. Ari and I finished having breakfast. As I filed a nail that broke he asked me to file his nails too. Who am I to say no to that. So we both had a mini manicure (LOL) as everyone slept and then he decided he wanted to watch the Circus.

Was it last month that Lenette took him to the circus? Ringling Bros. He obviously loved it and she got him the BEST gift ever there. A circus DVD. He asks to watch it every now and again. And that is what he did this morning. So as I sit here typing away, he sits next to me watching the DVD. Well not necessarily sitting all the time. He imitates the performers on the screen as they do their things. Right now he's watching the Fernandez brothers jump around with their acrobatics so he does it with them. Totally engrossed!

He narrates it as it happens to. His vocabulary has totally blown up lately. He's VERY much understandable now. What he says impresses me daily. But that has to be the case with every parent no? His latest fascination is the video series AniMusic. They showed segments of this between shows on TV and he became totally engrossed . So Rob bought the DVD's. This is his current favorite track...He bounces and walks around the house playing a drum saying he's the bouncing 'robot'. He's the one to the far right obviously.

He jams out to the congas and the mini timbal set he has and sets them up together to be able to imitate the video. He tries to follow the beat at times and at others he just goes insane. Rob really wanted to encourage this love for drumming. So much so that he went on craigslist and look what we now have?

They are loud and awesome and we love them as much as he does. I'm not even joking. There's nothing better then watching him jam out to Animusic on his drums.

This is basically when we first bought them out to show him.

And in some pictures he looks like SUCH a big boy. I mean, look at him.

And yet I'm one of those odd moms that is excited to see both Ari and Nilsa grow. I honestly don't miss the baby phase at all. I can't wait till Nilsa gets a bit older. I think the toddler phase, with all its drama and tantrums is by far the best phase so far!

And speaking of Nilsa. My little pudge pot is thinning out. She's still squishable but her hair has grown. You wouldn't know it by looking at the pictures but wet, it's all the way down her back. But dry its fabulously curly and beautiful.

And with that, Nilsa is awake. Things are good. Love to you all.

There isn't time...there isn't time...

When I was a kid I had this book of poetry I loved. I'd read it over and over again. I would love to find the book but I have searched to no avail. But I do have several of the poems memorized (yes my memory is that good) and one in particular has always been my favorite. Who knew that over 20 years later it would serve as a pseudo explanation of my life...

There isn't Time!

There isn't time, there isn't time
To do the things I want to do,
With all the mountain-tops to climb,
And all the woods to wander through,
And all the seas to sail upon,
And everywhere there is to go
And all the people, every one,
Who lives upon the earth, to know.
There's only time, there's only time
To know a few, and do a few,
And then sit down and make a rhyme
About the rest I want to do

- Elenor Farjeon

And here I sit taking what brief time I have to do what I guess is my version of a rhyme. Things have been busy lately. Busy is a good thing. The wedding season has officially started so we have events and meetings to attend to. Spring is starting to show it's shadow so plans are in motion for all the yearly spring activities to attend to. Life as we know it is moving by. Slowly but surely things are happening.

I said a while back that I felt as if I was coming upon a crossroads but I couldn't see it in my sights. I think I'm starting to see signs of it and I'm acting accordingly. It's hard though as some days I wake up with the energy and vitality to conquer the world. Other times I struggle to even construct a legible sentence. I'm somewhere in between both right now. But I'm feeling positive in a very shaky world which says a lot. I'm trucking along. Busy. Always busy. Always somehow struggling to catch up to the needs and expectations we have. Someday right? Maybe sooner then later. Someday we'll get there.

For the time being when I'm not striving to do things, I'm enjoying myself. Ari and Nilsa help me along with this. Ari truly loves helping in the kitchen. We've baked a cake together, made cookies and next is to tackle muffins. And he doesn't even have any interest in licking the spoon. He'd much rather mix and roll. I think he might just turn me into a baker.

How could you not love them, and their curiosity. Nilsa now wants to take pictures rather then being the object of pictures. She even tries hard to use Ari's camera.

And if you don't give in to her - the girl has mastered a pout which is simultaneously adorable and hilarious.

Life is good.

Second Child Syndrome

I sat on the couch the day before yesterday with Nilsa as Ari entertained himself playing with the bongos. As I bounced her on my legs and she caved into my chest in a fit of giggles I started my latest thing with her - counting to ten. She counts to ten well now. Her enunciation is off but she is, after all, 17 months old. I started counting more auspiciously about a week ago after reading back in this blog that at her age, Ari was able to count to 12 in both English and Spanish and recite the A-B-C’s.

Reading that made me terribly guilty for the lack of direct attention to learning we have given Nilsa. We were so enthusiastic when Ari was her age to teach him these things and everything was counting and the alphabet. And here I sat feeling remorse in the fact that Nilsa has, yet again, gotten the short end of the stick by being the second born. Seeing that she seemed to have a good grasp on the numbers 1-10 (although 5 seems to be her preferred number and she will continue up to eleven) I opted to switch the languages and work on the numbers in Spanish. So I began…UNO…

And to my surprise she said DOS. Even further she counted all the way to DIEZ (ten) and happily clapped upon arriving at the number. She knows one to ten in Spanish already without us repeating it to her ad nauseum. Without being methodically instructed in it. Color me impressed.

We’re working on the A-B-C’s right now. She’s got the concept and the song down. I just have to work on the actual letters. I’m pretty damn proud. Maybe second child syndrome isn't as bad as I make it out to be. Or maybe I need to really try to focus my attention on one child at a time, which feels impossible most times as the other always serves to distract.

But she's happy. And I'm happy for her. We count and clap upon reaching ten or diez and then she collapses into my arms in a fit of giggles.

I've been absent this new year

2009 and this is my first blog post. Tsk. I start with an apology. I've been focused on my family, the business and myself and really haven't had the time to dedicate to a post about the goings on and I really need to update don't I? Christmas was full of sick kids and quiet times. The new year barreled in with me asleep on the couch (such excitement huh?) and here it is, mid-January, and I've got a plethora of pictures to update you all on.

And I'm not even going to post one of them on this post because I've not the time. But I will be back regularly with a picure of the kids (and maybe one of Rob and I) every now and again.

We're good. Happy. Happy is always good. I can say, honestly, that the year ended and started with love and comfort but even this is surrounded by obligations and stresses that I'm trying to overcome and work through.

We'll see where we end up.

It’s Friday and I’m babbling

Lenette had free VIP tickets to Disney on Ice last night and took Ari. No surprise that his favorite part was CARS but from what I understand he was in total awe and Lenette took pictures. He didn't get home until after 10pm and having had only a brief nap that afternoon there was no issue at all getting him to bed. He got 2 new stuffed animals (Lightning McQueen and Mater) which of course needed to come to bed with him. And as I expected, he woke up crying at about 3am with has his hands clasped over his ears. Totally a Disney on Ice induced nightmare.

Because of his adventure with his cousins and aunt, I took Nilsa home by myself. Rob was working a holiday party so it was just us girls. I forgot how it’s like to only have one small child to take care of. I think I was totally lost in knowing what to do as I usually serve as referee. The house was eerily quiet. And I sat there with Nilsa and tried to remember what I used to do alone with Ari at this age. I seemed to have forgotten what its like to dedicate time specifically to one child. I spend much time trying to balance the needs of both of them when we’re all together and making sure they both get their fill of mom depending on when they need me. When I run into issues where they both are tugging on my legs I came up with the idea of having a ‘group hug’ to dispel the neediness. Ari loves it as does Nilsa and we just get a big ole group hug in. Or we play ring around the rosie together. But alone, I seem to not know what to do. It’s odd and simultaneously calming to know that having the kids around really does complete my home.

Similarly, Nilsa seemed confused with the quiet in the house. She kept going from room to room which I can only assume was the search of Ari. I took the opportunity to attempt to play with my new camera as I totally don't know how to use it yet to take quality pictures. Rob keeps saying to me "read the manual" and I really should. But I'm stubborn and want to figure it out on my own terms.

Rob came home a bit earlier and with girl child quietly playing on her own we talked, and talked and talked some more. Life has been very full as of late with many obligations, and as I talked to him and realized I was getting updates on things he has done a week or more ago, I also realized that we really live together and work together to get the kids going, but right now it seems as if we’re on parallel roads. Yesterday our roads merged for a bit and it felt so good to have him actively around. It seems weird to work with your husband and to live with him and yet to not really spend any quality time at all. I need to push to revisit this more often. I miss the ‘us’ that’s lurking in the shadows of our lives.

I promise pictures will come in the short term future. For now - just my thoughts will do.

There is beauty in the simple things

I worked today. Not the full time job and not at a wedding or event. I did my job as coordinator for a wedding rehearsal. I came home in time to see my children both wake up from their nap, to say goodbye to Rob as he was off to dj a portuguese baptism celebration. I took their kisses and retreated to the office to do more work while my mom (god bless her help) entertained Ari and Nilsa. I heard their giggles and conversations with their grandmother and it reminded me so much of being a child myself. Of the laughter that surrounded me as a young kid even in the hardest of times. My mom, although not perfect (but what parent is?) was definitely fun with her dancing and singing and rollerskating in the house. And I'm so happy to see my children have the fortune of sharing that same playful spirit she has.

But after she left for the evening, as I prepared the evening hot milk for both of them I stood by the stove and looked down the hall to where both of them were playing with a empty box. They both giggled and squealed in delight. Nilsa is finally old enough to really hold her own against Ari although she still has to toughen up a bit. Ari is becoming more aware of his sister as far more then just a baby or the little girl he can shove around without preamble. Today I watched them play together and my heart just jumped. Ari conversed with Nilsa and she, unable to reply just squealed appropriately. There was no pushing, no yelling and no annoyances. They played both placed their feet into the empty box and moved them around while banging a top its surface and I only could wish I had a camera nearby. But running for it would mean passing them and interrupting the moment. And so, I just observed and memorized the moment in my head so that when I wanted I could relive it.

In the supermarket the other day, an older gentleman got to talking to Ari since he was pushing around his own mini cart while I pushed Nilsa in my adult cart (cell phone pic below.) I have to say this is the BEST idea any supermarket ever came up with (Foodtown in Union should you locals wish to know which) because Ari is SOOOO very proud to push his own cart and fill it up with things. What you can't see in this pic is that pole has a small plastic flag on top that says "Customer in Training." But back to the story...


The man turned to me and said "Enjoy them - they grow up fast" and then added this small bit of information "I remember mine at that age. That's the best age. They live at that age in my mind with these memories" and I thought to myself, this is the advice I give ever bride and groom that is my client. To really stop throughout the day and take in everything around you because those are the moments you remember. And its the same in everyday life. So today, I've recorded that moment between Ari and Nilsa and the empty box in the hallway. And I hope I can always remember the sweetness of this moment in my head when I'm older and, like the man at the supermarket, remembering these moments.

On kids sharing a room

So I finally bit the bullet and put Ari and Nilsa in the same room. The house is such right now that sharing a room is a necessity and I’ve no qualms with it. The M.O. is to put Ari down first – read his book, say a prayer (in Spanish!) play the music and let him be. He will fall asleep on his own shortly after and 9 times out of 10 on the recliner. Fine. When all seems quiet-ish I go in with Nilsa who usually falls asleep on the bed in our room. Sometimes Ari is awake when I go in and he has quietly whispered ‘Goodnight Nilsa’ in the past (so cute.)

Yesterday, though, the moon was full and I made the mistake of not turning off the TV or closing my bedroom door when I carried in Nilsa. There was Ari, awake on the recliner with all his stuffed animals (have I mentioned this? He sleeps with the tickle me Elmo his godparents gave him, the stuffed Shamu he got at Sea World, a large stuffed Coqui (Puerto Rican tree frog), a small natural haired teddy bear Carol got him from Ecuador, a plush teddy bear, and a bunny rabbit he got from his ‘Uncle’ Roman for his first Easter.) Back to the story – he totally took advantage of my carrying a sleeping Nilsa and quickly ran past me saying T.V. into my bedroom.

Great.

I got him back into his room. It was not a pretty site. He was flailing about annoyed at the fact that he’d have to go to sleep. He then started the shrieking attempt at fake crying. I said a prayer that Nilsa was used to sleeping through his noise making and left the room and went downstairs. Through the monitor I heard the whining cries and then a minute later the tell tale signs of a waking Nilsa. Her obviously annoyed ‘who woke me up” cry. And the minute it occurred I hear Ari go from a wailing child to a quiet one, and not a second later I heard him say…..

“Uh Oh”

When I went up to pacify Nilsa back to sleep, I opened the door to find Ari on the recliner. Head on his pillow and blanket over him. Eyes closed too tightly to truly be asleep. The boy was faking sleeping. Well now he’ll know better then to play that game.

I love him.

Picture Dump