First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.
May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the beauty.
When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half and stick with beer.
Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.
Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes, and not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, damn it.
May she play the drums to the fiery rhythm of her own heart with the sinewy strength of her own arms, so she need not lie with drummers.
Grant her a rough patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.
O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.
And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, for I will not have that sh*t. I will not have it.
And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a mental note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.
Amen.
Attempting to defeat Superwoman Syndrome
Showing posts with label sentimental. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sentimental. Show all posts
6.10.09
The torch has passed. Relax.
I don't know what to write. There is so much going on in my head as of late that I'm not focused on documenting what's going on in my life. So many things happening and yet I feel if I write them down I will be overwhelmed. Things at times are good. At times it feels as if my world is collapsing around me. There are things I understand and things I long to understand. Patience, never a strong suit of mine, is the only thing that I am supposed to be adhering to and I battle it. I have always wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. Life just doesn't work that way.
I went to a meeting in the city at the Cupcake Cafe directly after work yesterday.
Although I'm not a fan of the cupcake (or this ones confection at all), the frosting is what makes them and I will suck off the frosting and dispose of the often times boring cake associated. Which is what i did yesterday. But I digress, I do love this location for meetings though. Its a kitschy little place that shares its space with a children's book store. Just very warm and inviting and it was a good meeting.
I parked 3 blocks away (free parking!) so after the meeting it was already almost 8. I walked slowly and enjoyed the smell of the city, its bustle & vibe. I felt nostalgic as I always do when I'm back but I also felt enveloped in warmth. Hugged so to speak. And when I got to the car and sat down I was awash with tiredness. My feet throbbed as if I had been on my feet all day, my back hurt, my arms were sore. In that 3 block walk I managed to do something I haven't done in a while.....
RELAX
I let my guard down enough that I was overtaken by my body. I was so tired and yet it felt good to be tired. I embraced the feeling that evening. It felt good to FEEL something. It's peak wedding season. I'm working the full time job which has picked up a wee bit *thankfully.* I'm taking care of meetings, I'm out early mornings on weekends and not returning until late into the night. I'm constantly on the go and in that rush from here to there and back again I'm left with tunnel vision. Moving onto my next destination with no time to really breathe in the world around me. No time to really FEEL. My kids reach out to me every time I walk in the door as my presence, much to my dismay, is short lately. I sat with them yesterday on the couch. One on each side with their little heads on my chest and smiled. I felt satiated. I valued the little time they sat with me before they buzzed off in their toddler states to their next endeavor. I enjoy the fact that they want me around, need me but yet know that I do what I do and can let me go to do it. We've adapted to enjoy the time together as much as possible I guess. Or maybe that's what I'm telling myself.
I work hard. I don't give myself credit for that but I do. I realize how much my mom used to work as well. How much she still does. I realize now how much my mother in law works. They both have raised children and now assist with their grandchildren and the work they do in that is rewarding and everything around them affords them that reward. And that is what I'm doing now. Working hard for the reward of 4 little arms wrapped around me and a plethora of stolen kisses that make everything worthwhile. The torch has passed to the next generation. I realize that now. I need to remember to relax. I realize a lot when I give myself the opportunity to see what's around me.
I should take walks alone in the city more often.
I went to a meeting in the city at the Cupcake Cafe directly after work yesterday.
I parked 3 blocks away (free parking!) so after the meeting it was already almost 8. I walked slowly and enjoyed the smell of the city, its bustle & vibe. I felt nostalgic as I always do when I'm back but I also felt enveloped in warmth. Hugged so to speak. And when I got to the car and sat down I was awash with tiredness. My feet throbbed as if I had been on my feet all day, my back hurt, my arms were sore. In that 3 block walk I managed to do something I haven't done in a while.....
RELAX
I let my guard down enough that I was overtaken by my body. I was so tired and yet it felt good to be tired. I embraced the feeling that evening. It felt good to FEEL something. It's peak wedding season. I'm working the full time job which has picked up a wee bit *thankfully.* I'm taking care of meetings, I'm out early mornings on weekends and not returning until late into the night. I'm constantly on the go and in that rush from here to there and back again I'm left with tunnel vision. Moving onto my next destination with no time to really breathe in the world around me. No time to really FEEL. My kids reach out to me every time I walk in the door as my presence, much to my dismay, is short lately. I sat with them yesterday on the couch. One on each side with their little heads on my chest and smiled. I felt satiated. I valued the little time they sat with me before they buzzed off in their toddler states to their next endeavor. I enjoy the fact that they want me around, need me but yet know that I do what I do and can let me go to do it. We've adapted to enjoy the time together as much as possible I guess. Or maybe that's what I'm telling myself.
I work hard. I don't give myself credit for that but I do. I realize how much my mom used to work as well. How much she still does. I realize now how much my mother in law works. They both have raised children and now assist with their grandchildren and the work they do in that is rewarding and everything around them affords them that reward. And that is what I'm doing now. Working hard for the reward of 4 little arms wrapped around me and a plethora of stolen kisses that make everything worthwhile. The torch has passed to the next generation. I realize that now. I need to remember to relax. I realize a lot when I give myself the opportunity to see what's around me.
I should take walks alone in the city more often.
21.7.09
Something’s gotta give…
This post is a long time coming. I left my house this morning en route to work. It’s raining out, and the perfect day to hide under the covers and sleep or lazily watch movies. I can’t remember the last time I did that. I was ready to leave and as I grabbed my keys, I heard a giggle. I raised the volume of the monitor and out of it streamed the laughter of Ari and Nilsa. Rob was upstairs and they had just woken up. I don’t know what they were doing or what was going on. All I heard was the shrieks of happiness and giggles of joy from my 2 little imps. Nothing brings a bigger smile to my face. And yet, that happiness was stifled with the reality that I had to sneak away - out the door before they made their way downstairs. Not able to kiss their temples before I left because not only was I running behind but if they catch me before I leave I am at times met with tears and little hands grabbing me to play, to stay, to not go to work. And I hate to disappoint them with me leaving. So the sound of their laughter trailed behind me as I closed the door and stepped out into the rain, the gloom of the skies reflecting my mood.
It times like this that I curse the reality that currently is my life. I’m not complaining about my life. Or, better said, I’m not trying to. I know that as an adult, my job is to live my life in response to the obligations that I have. Though they are mostly monetary obligations, they help keep the roof over my head, food on the table and most especially, give my kids the kind of life that I want for them and keep those smiles on their faces. Almost every parent sacrifices something for the benefit of their kids. But sometimes, I question the quality of the sacrifice. I wonder if overall it will backfire. We’ve all heard the song “Cat’s in the Cradle” where the dad wants so much for his son he works and does and limits his time with his child to manage it. At the end of it all, he’s realized he didn’t spend enough time in life with his child and now his child has emulated the same philosophy with his children and the listener is left to wonder if that was a good or bad thing. I don’t’ want to wake up one day and see my children grown and not have been given the opportunity to really enjoy their growth.
I titled this blog when I was pregnant – attempting to defeat the superwoman syndrome was my mantra for while. It still kind of is. The purpose of it was to rant about the things in my head, purge them when necessary and to REMIND myself that I didn’t need to be superwoman, didn’t need to do everything and anything and that I needed to just focus on being the best that I could be. That meant I needed to stop the comparison to others. (I’ve done really well with this) and to limit the idea that there was an “IDEAL” person I needed to be (I’ve been only okay with this.) All and all I’ve been happy with the way things have been going, but now that Nilsa is almost 2 and Ari is almost 4, things have changed.
For the past few years I’ve worked, and worked, and worked some more, I’ve worked a lot. I’ve heard, more then I care to hear, the phrase “I don’t know how you do it.” To be honest, I really DON’T KNOW how I do it. I know that I manage the full time 8a-5p job Monday thru Friday, the evening meetings for Colorblind and the weekend weddings and events in part thanks to the extraordinary help and support from both Rob’s mother and my mother. I know I could not do what I do without them. They are a lifeline that I am blessed and grateful to have and I know I don’t’ tell them enough how important and how indispensable their help and support is. My kids are constantly loved and nurtured while we work and that is thanks to their grandparents. And Rob is a major player in getting life done. He’s taken on a role that most men would never even conceptualize. But internally, I/we sacrifice a lot of other things in the quest to keep this schedule
And in this time I find myself a spectator rather then a participant. I spend the majority of my day in front of a computer doing a job I largely am uninterested in (lets be honest – I’m bored) and lamenting the time it cheats me from being with my children. I stare at their picture on my desk, look out the window at the sun and wish I was at the playground with them. Even on a day like today where the rain is coming down, I daydream of donning raincoats and splashing puddles. I ache at the reality that I have to ask permission to leave my office to attend any function and then need to hustle away from the joy of their smiles to the expectations of my work; work that brings me no joy or happiness. Work, that guilts me on time off because as an employee, they pay me and expect me to put them first. The same sting and sorrow I felt this morning upon walking away from their giggles I feel all day long. I know its going to get worse too. Ari starts school with all its events and participation opportunities and I want to be active in it. I don’t know how I could be with my current schedule. I’m tired of sacrificing my kids. I’m also tired of sacrificing the benefit I could be to colorblind (that’s another post altogether that is slightly similar to this one.) I’m genuinely tired of working so much. And I don’t know what it is I can do to help my current state. As it stands now, the only time I have with my kids is weekdays following work which just all out sucks. I’m tired after a long day, my patience is dwindled and I’m not in the best frame of mind to be the kind of mother and parent I should be to them. Beyond that, 2-3 hours before bed is not my ideal definition of “quality time.” I live for the rare weekends when I am free. My fondest memories with my kids happen between breakfast and 2pm. It is time stolen from me on a daily basis. I know many working mom’s that feel this way and I even find myself envious of them because they at the very least have weekends available.
I had a plan at the beginning of the year. Things looked to be going in one direction that would have probably benefited me the most, but that made a turn, and now my plans have been scrapped without any real options for new ones. And I honestly don’t think I can keep up at this pace much longer. Things don’t look encouraging and I struggle to ensure the melancholy I feel doesn’t overpower me. For now I take what time I can get, hold it dear and close to me and PRAY that I’ll have more time with them in the short term future. My biggest fear right now is not having the opportunity to enjoy this time and regretting not doing something to make that my reality.
It times like this that I curse the reality that currently is my life. I’m not complaining about my life. Or, better said, I’m not trying to. I know that as an adult, my job is to live my life in response to the obligations that I have. Though they are mostly monetary obligations, they help keep the roof over my head, food on the table and most especially, give my kids the kind of life that I want for them and keep those smiles on their faces. Almost every parent sacrifices something for the benefit of their kids. But sometimes, I question the quality of the sacrifice. I wonder if overall it will backfire. We’ve all heard the song “Cat’s in the Cradle” where the dad wants so much for his son he works and does and limits his time with his child to manage it. At the end of it all, he’s realized he didn’t spend enough time in life with his child and now his child has emulated the same philosophy with his children and the listener is left to wonder if that was a good or bad thing. I don’t’ want to wake up one day and see my children grown and not have been given the opportunity to really enjoy their growth.
I titled this blog when I was pregnant – attempting to defeat the superwoman syndrome was my mantra for while. It still kind of is. The purpose of it was to rant about the things in my head, purge them when necessary and to REMIND myself that I didn’t need to be superwoman, didn’t need to do everything and anything and that I needed to just focus on being the best that I could be. That meant I needed to stop the comparison to others. (I’ve done really well with this) and to limit the idea that there was an “IDEAL” person I needed to be (I’ve been only okay with this.) All and all I’ve been happy with the way things have been going, but now that Nilsa is almost 2 and Ari is almost 4, things have changed.
For the past few years I’ve worked, and worked, and worked some more, I’ve worked a lot. I’ve heard, more then I care to hear, the phrase “I don’t know how you do it.” To be honest, I really DON’T KNOW how I do it. I know that I manage the full time 8a-5p job Monday thru Friday, the evening meetings for Colorblind and the weekend weddings and events in part thanks to the extraordinary help and support from both Rob’s mother and my mother. I know I could not do what I do without them. They are a lifeline that I am blessed and grateful to have and I know I don’t’ tell them enough how important and how indispensable their help and support is. My kids are constantly loved and nurtured while we work and that is thanks to their grandparents. And Rob is a major player in getting life done. He’s taken on a role that most men would never even conceptualize. But internally, I/we sacrifice a lot of other things in the quest to keep this schedule
- Household duties go undone (laundry piles up; dusting takes a back seat, etc.)
- Sleep. Sometimes the only time available where the house is quiet and interruptions aren’t happening is late at night or super early morning. So sleep is lost in exchange to obligations (this is in large part a HUGE Rob sacrifice – as I’ve woken many times at 3am to find him on the computer working on editing pictures or video or such)
- Order/Organization. I was never a huge neat freak with everything labeled and arranged. But I did have a sort of organized chaos. I knew where everything was, could find things with relative ease and things were, in my unique way, organized. Now I waste precious time because nothing is in any kind of order, things are haphazardly strewn about and I’m lucky I remember my name at times. I avoid certain areas on purpose because it’s such a horrific mish mash that even if I had time I wouldn’t know WHERE to begin. And when I do try, it returns to its state of disarray soon after. I know those of you who come to our house go huh? as it really, from appearances, looks tidy. Our kids and their play things are relatively organized. It’s Rob and I and our respective paperwork that is not.
- Listening. (huh? what did you say?) yeah. In one ear and out the other syndrome when your mind is racing with everything you need/should be doing is viral in my home.
- Time. This is the thing that I think affects me most. Time is sacrificed - time with my husband, time with my kids (**most important**) and ultimately time with myself. Time is what I crave most. Worthwhile time that affords me to not only enjoy life but catch up with the aforementioned sacrifices.
And in this time I find myself a spectator rather then a participant. I spend the majority of my day in front of a computer doing a job I largely am uninterested in (lets be honest – I’m bored) and lamenting the time it cheats me from being with my children. I stare at their picture on my desk, look out the window at the sun and wish I was at the playground with them. Even on a day like today where the rain is coming down, I daydream of donning raincoats and splashing puddles. I ache at the reality that I have to ask permission to leave my office to attend any function and then need to hustle away from the joy of their smiles to the expectations of my work; work that brings me no joy or happiness. Work, that guilts me on time off because as an employee, they pay me and expect me to put them first. The same sting and sorrow I felt this morning upon walking away from their giggles I feel all day long. I know its going to get worse too. Ari starts school with all its events and participation opportunities and I want to be active in it. I don’t know how I could be with my current schedule. I’m tired of sacrificing my kids. I’m also tired of sacrificing the benefit I could be to colorblind (that’s another post altogether that is slightly similar to this one.) I’m genuinely tired of working so much. And I don’t know what it is I can do to help my current state. As it stands now, the only time I have with my kids is weekdays following work which just all out sucks. I’m tired after a long day, my patience is dwindled and I’m not in the best frame of mind to be the kind of mother and parent I should be to them. Beyond that, 2-3 hours before bed is not my ideal definition of “quality time.” I live for the rare weekends when I am free. My fondest memories with my kids happen between breakfast and 2pm. It is time stolen from me on a daily basis. I know many working mom’s that feel this way and I even find myself envious of them because they at the very least have weekends available.
I had a plan at the beginning of the year. Things looked to be going in one direction that would have probably benefited me the most, but that made a turn, and now my plans have been scrapped without any real options for new ones. And I honestly don’t think I can keep up at this pace much longer. Things don’t look encouraging and I struggle to ensure the melancholy I feel doesn’t overpower me. For now I take what time I can get, hold it dear and close to me and PRAY that I’ll have more time with them in the short term future. My biggest fear right now is not having the opportunity to enjoy this time and regretting not doing something to make that my reality.
8.7.09
Summer Days, Nights, Life...
I've been busy. Things have been a combination of absolute bliss and general chaos sprinkled with some disconcerting uncertainty and a soulful need to change things. I've been saying for a while to myself that I need to post a 'somethings gotta give post.' This is not it. There are great loves in my life - my family and the colorblind business. Then there is the rest of everything else - the necessary evils in life that is keeping me from fully immersing myself in the joys of my absolute loves. I want so badly to be able to let loose and pursue my dreams. The question of HOW to do it still remains unanswered.
In the interim things are full. Full of laughter, full of love, full of hugs and kisses and I love yous. They quell my sorrows, bring joy to my life and give me the strength to move forward and work at finding a way to have them around more often. This picture best embodies me at the moment. It is where I want to be. Although I hate that Ari is crying (he was overtired and in dire need of sleep) it shows what my role needs to be. Where I need to be. Where happiness lies.
I'll get there. And hopefully soon.
In the interim things are full. Full of laughter, full of love, full of hugs and kisses and I love yous. They quell my sorrows, bring joy to my life and give me the strength to move forward and work at finding a way to have them around more often. This picture best embodies me at the moment. It is where I want to be. Although I hate that Ari is crying (he was overtired and in dire need of sleep) it shows what my role needs to be. Where I need to be. Where happiness lies.
I'll get there. And hopefully soon.
4.12.08
Things I Overheard While Talking to Myself
I talk to myself often. I run through the lists of things I need to do, things I want to do. I try to motivate myself. I laugh and giggle and curse. I yell at myself. I keep myself from crying. I can have an internal struggle with myself in my mind while watching television or worse yet, when in conversation with someone else. And throughout the whole process my external persona doesn’t give way to the blur of conversation in my head. You know when your mind wanders – yeah – I talk to myself. I noticed after watching the movie CARS for the 4 millionth time that Lightening McQueen opens the movie talking to himself. So I know I’m not alone in this. Everyone does it. That interior voice in your head is always there and it never really does shut up especially at those times where you really don’t even want to hear it. But how many times do we even really bother to listen to it?
I realize now that my posts have morphed into the regurgitation of my own conversations with myself-my internal thoughts and suggestions. They have no perceived direction, fail at really explaining things well at times and include a litany of things I want and don’t want to remember. I’ve read my old posts, I keep them. I laugh at them. I cry with them. They show how much I’ve changed - how I’ve grown. They depict good times and bad times. They outline goals I didn’t even think to write down or even really think existed. They show me my failures. They bring out my fears and show how I faced them or ignored them. They make me miss people - friends - innocence. My reading them is fascinating to me. Sometimes I recognize myself and sometimes I truly don’t.
November came to a close with the small celebration of my 31st Birthday (on the 26th) a quiet Thanksgiving and a glorious long weekend which left me pining for more time with my family, with myself and with my home. As is the case for me from time to time I’m feeling rather ‘woe is me’ and I’m blaming the extended weekend for it. I was very productive weekend. I still have a ways to go but I managed to do much in the house, I spent time with the kids, I spent time with my mom, I even spent time with Rob and I coordinated a fabulous wedding. I lived a semi ideal life for 5 days. I want more of it. MORE MORE MORE. And in return what have I done. Ignored my blogs and been unmotivated. This is NOT a good place to be. Did I mention I feel frumpy? Yeah. I need to dye the hair and need to get into shape. I mean I gained 8 lbs which isn’t a bad thing as it’s not like I’m overweight or something but my clothes FEEL tighter and that alone makes me feel frumpier. I need to feel good about myself again.
It’s December. Ari turns 3 in the next few days. Nilsa is trying REALLY HARD to actually form words and she’s now walking a lot faster. They are growing. The year comes to a close in the next few weeks. We move into 2009 and I’ve so many ambitions and goals that I wish to attain. Rob and I still struggle and smile through our day to day with the business, with life, with family and with each other. I feel in the past few months that I’ve been walking towards a crossroads and I’m under the illusion that it’s coming up quickly but I’ve yet to arrive at it. I have an inkling that things are going to change soon. I’m not sure if it’s for the better. I certainly hope it’s not for the worse. But I know it will change with no more proof then the very instinct that pulses through me. I feel it coming, bubbling and ready to burst. The anticipation is killing me and yet I’ve no idea what it will entail. All I know is I’m waiting for it to arrive.
I haven't taken new photos. But I did get a new camera for my birthday and I hope to really get back on the photo taking bandwagon. I've been listening to christmas carols in the car. Ari found the all christmas songs station on his radio in his room and listens to it himself. He already sings Jingle Bells really well. We're chugging along.
I realize now that my posts have morphed into the regurgitation of my own conversations with myself-my internal thoughts and suggestions. They have no perceived direction, fail at really explaining things well at times and include a litany of things I want and don’t want to remember. I’ve read my old posts, I keep them. I laugh at them. I cry with them. They show how much I’ve changed - how I’ve grown. They depict good times and bad times. They outline goals I didn’t even think to write down or even really think existed. They show me my failures. They bring out my fears and show how I faced them or ignored them. They make me miss people - friends - innocence. My reading them is fascinating to me. Sometimes I recognize myself and sometimes I truly don’t.
November came to a close with the small celebration of my 31st Birthday (on the 26th) a quiet Thanksgiving and a glorious long weekend which left me pining for more time with my family, with myself and with my home. As is the case for me from time to time I’m feeling rather ‘woe is me’ and I’m blaming the extended weekend for it. I was very productive weekend. I still have a ways to go but I managed to do much in the house, I spent time with the kids, I spent time with my mom, I even spent time with Rob and I coordinated a fabulous wedding. I lived a semi ideal life for 5 days. I want more of it. MORE MORE MORE. And in return what have I done. Ignored my blogs and been unmotivated. This is NOT a good place to be. Did I mention I feel frumpy? Yeah. I need to dye the hair and need to get into shape. I mean I gained 8 lbs which isn’t a bad thing as it’s not like I’m overweight or something but my clothes FEEL tighter and that alone makes me feel frumpier. I need to feel good about myself again.
It’s December. Ari turns 3 in the next few days. Nilsa is trying REALLY HARD to actually form words and she’s now walking a lot faster. They are growing. The year comes to a close in the next few weeks. We move into 2009 and I’ve so many ambitions and goals that I wish to attain. Rob and I still struggle and smile through our day to day with the business, with life, with family and with each other. I feel in the past few months that I’ve been walking towards a crossroads and I’m under the illusion that it’s coming up quickly but I’ve yet to arrive at it. I have an inkling that things are going to change soon. I’m not sure if it’s for the better. I certainly hope it’s not for the worse. But I know it will change with no more proof then the very instinct that pulses through me. I feel it coming, bubbling and ready to burst. The anticipation is killing me and yet I’ve no idea what it will entail. All I know is I’m waiting for it to arrive.
I haven't taken new photos. But I did get a new camera for my birthday and I hope to really get back on the photo taking bandwagon. I've been listening to christmas carols in the car. Ari found the all christmas songs station on his radio in his room and listens to it himself. He already sings Jingle Bells really well. We're chugging along.
22.11.08
There is beauty in the simple things
I worked today. Not the full time job and not at a wedding or event. I did my job as coordinator for a wedding rehearsal. I came home in time to see my children both wake up from their nap, to say goodbye to Rob as he was off to dj a portuguese baptism celebration. I took their kisses and retreated to the office to do more work while my mom (god bless her help) entertained Ari and Nilsa. I heard their giggles and conversations with their grandmother and it reminded me so much of being a child myself. Of the laughter that surrounded me as a young kid even in the hardest of times. My mom, although not perfect (but what parent is?) was definitely fun with her dancing and singing and rollerskating in the house. And I'm so happy to see my children have the fortune of sharing that same playful spirit she has.
But after she left for the evening, as I prepared the evening hot milk for both of them I stood by the stove and looked down the hall to where both of them were playing with a empty box. They both giggled and squealed in delight. Nilsa is finally old enough to really hold her own against Ari although she still has to toughen up a bit. Ari is becoming more aware of his sister as far more then just a baby or the little girl he can shove around without preamble. Today I watched them play together and my heart just jumped. Ari conversed with Nilsa and she, unable to reply just squealed appropriately. There was no pushing, no yelling and no annoyances. They played both placed their feet into the empty box and moved them around while banging a top its surface and I only could wish I had a camera nearby. But running for it would mean passing them and interrupting the moment. And so, I just observed and memorized the moment in my head so that when I wanted I could relive it.
In the supermarket the other day, an older gentleman got to talking to Ari since he was pushing around his own mini cart while I pushed Nilsa in my adult cart (cell phone pic below.) I have to say this is the BEST idea any supermarket ever came up with (Foodtown in Union should you locals wish to know which) because Ari is SOOOO very proud to push his own cart and fill it up with things. What you can't see in this pic is that pole has a small plastic flag on top that says "Customer in Training." But back to the story...
The man turned to me and said "Enjoy them - they grow up fast" and then added this small bit of information "I remember mine at that age. That's the best age. They live at that age in my mind with these memories" and I thought to myself, this is the advice I give ever bride and groom that is my client. To really stop throughout the day and take in everything around you because those are the moments you remember. And its the same in everyday life. So today, I've recorded that moment between Ari and Nilsa and the empty box in the hallway. And I hope I can always remember the sweetness of this moment in my head when I'm older and, like the man at the supermarket, remembering these moments.
But after she left for the evening, as I prepared the evening hot milk for both of them I stood by the stove and looked down the hall to where both of them were playing with a empty box. They both giggled and squealed in delight. Nilsa is finally old enough to really hold her own against Ari although she still has to toughen up a bit. Ari is becoming more aware of his sister as far more then just a baby or the little girl he can shove around without preamble. Today I watched them play together and my heart just jumped. Ari conversed with Nilsa and she, unable to reply just squealed appropriately. There was no pushing, no yelling and no annoyances. They played both placed their feet into the empty box and moved them around while banging a top its surface and I only could wish I had a camera nearby. But running for it would mean passing them and interrupting the moment. And so, I just observed and memorized the moment in my head so that when I wanted I could relive it.
In the supermarket the other day, an older gentleman got to talking to Ari since he was pushing around his own mini cart while I pushed Nilsa in my adult cart (cell phone pic below.) I have to say this is the BEST idea any supermarket ever came up with (Foodtown in Union should you locals wish to know which) because Ari is SOOOO very proud to push his own cart and fill it up with things. What you can't see in this pic is that pole has a small plastic flag on top that says "Customer in Training." But back to the story...
The man turned to me and said "Enjoy them - they grow up fast" and then added this small bit of information "I remember mine at that age. That's the best age. They live at that age in my mind with these memories" and I thought to myself, this is the advice I give ever bride and groom that is my client. To really stop throughout the day and take in everything around you because those are the moments you remember. And its the same in everyday life. So today, I've recorded that moment between Ari and Nilsa and the empty box in the hallway. And I hope I can always remember the sweetness of this moment in my head when I'm older and, like the man at the supermarket, remembering these moments.
13.11.08
Random Ramblings...
I was in Brooklyn last night. I had a meeting at Café Vox Pop which I will totally recommend for great coffee, delicious whole wheat chocolate chip cookies and great music. I entered to jazz playing, an adorable and attentive barista (is there a male version of that word?) and just a mellow vibe that was ideal. I almost lamented having to perform a meeting as I would have loved to just sip on my coffee and listen to the music and relax. So for the 5 minutes that I did have to myself in the café I soaked in the atmosphere. The drive out to Brooklyn was uneventful. Because the meeting was late (8pm) and I left New Jersey early, I didn’t hit a barrage of traffic en route. Some congestion in China Town which is to be expected and I opted the more scenic side streets of Brooklyn rather then the Gowanas/BQE/Prospect Parkway. I find that I’m in Brooklyn often lately, meeting with potential clients, handling weddings, etc. For a Queens girl I have grown to truly love Brooklyn as it seems has everyone else as it’s like “THE” place to be right now.
Beyond that it was time to myself. Something that does not come as often as I wish but such is life and I’m not complaining about it. The lack of that time makes me truly appreciate the moments I have in silence, alone, and in my own thoughts. It’s nice to have a few minutes that are not filled with the expectation of adulthood, the attention seeking of children or the responsibilities of wife and co-worker to my husband. In the drive I took in the energy of the city. There is an energy here and it really awakens my spirit and gives me a sense of euphoria that I can not accurately explain. I’m excited that I’ve scheduled meetings in Manhattan on Saturday and will be visiting friends briefly out in Queens toget rid of offer my baby gear for their triplets! So I’ll have more of this time alone with the city. It re-energizes me. I know some people just don’t understand my strange affinity towards NYC but that’s ok. It’s not easy to describe. And I’m not asking people to know what I’m talking about, but I do appreciate those that totally ‘get it.’
I’ve been immensely busy lately. Not in the sense that the schedule is packed in every moment of the day but in the reality that things are in need of my attention. Ari will turn 3 next month and Nilsa is now 13 months old. This is a great age for both of them although Ari still is a bit too rough with his sister. Not to be outdone, Nilsa does NOT let herself be taken advantage of. She has started to rebel back to Ari so they will both be quite an interesting bunch in the coming months. This age separation they have is something I now count as a blessing. I won’t lie, at first it was rough. A toddler who was not able to really explain himself and a newborn was not an easy task. But we got through that and we’re onto the next stage. Age 3 is proving to be a battle of the wills for Ari and I’ve been told that talk of terrible twos is false and it’s should really be terrible threes. I’m inclined to believe that’s true. Nilsa, who I thought would suffer from the stereotype second child syndrome of being left out of things, is actually quite the opposite. I’ll reluctantly admit that I think the girl is spoiled. In attempt to not disrupt Ari’s usual routines we failed to really establish one with Nilsa and suffer the consequences. Everything we didn’t do with Ari and said we wouldn’t do with our kids we’ve succumbed to with Nilsa. Teaches you to never say never right? It is fun to see how very different they are and how very much alike they seem at times. There are the good times where I’m practically brought to tears of happiness and then the bad times where I’m driven to drink. But I’m enjoying this as much as I can.
I’ve started having a very interesting following online due to my recent Colorblind jobs. It’s like I have my own personal fan club and I have to say if feels good to really get recognition for the attentiveness I give my clients. So much so that I wish I could do more, be more and try more. My mind races with ideas and innovations and so many different things that I seemingly want to implement. I have huge spurts of motivation where I want to act on my intuition and ambitions and unfortunately find myself limited in time and resources to really accomplish my objectives. I’ve resolved that I shouldn’t get down about that and that although I can’t do what I want to do right this very moment that I can pull it off over a longer term period at a slower pace. That’s better then not doing it at all right???
Managing life with so many variables in it is never easy. Rob and I have managed to get backlogged in some things but nothing has become more delayed then the basics of life (i.e. laundry & housekeeping.) I will tell you that the largest negative to having a home based office is the fact that you are battling the priority of the jobs you need to do with the priorities of the household you need to keep. Should I be working on photos or washing clothes. Should I vacuum now or answer e-mails? It’s a constant pull in one direction or the other and everything seems to come to a decision as to what needs more attention now. And then there are the times where we want to blow off all responsibilities and build puzzles, snuggle little ones till they giggle uncontrollably or head out to the park and watch them just be. I secretly yearn for a housekeeper, a laundress and a secretary. Instead Rob and I trade off these hats depending on what time affords for them.
In general, things are well. They can always be better and we are working at getting them there. Looking at the overall scheme of things – our society as a whole, the economic conditions being what they are and the general volatility of life – I think we’re doing okay. And right now, that’s the best I can ask for.
Beyond that it was time to myself. Something that does not come as often as I wish but such is life and I’m not complaining about it. The lack of that time makes me truly appreciate the moments I have in silence, alone, and in my own thoughts. It’s nice to have a few minutes that are not filled with the expectation of adulthood, the attention seeking of children or the responsibilities of wife and co-worker to my husband. In the drive I took in the energy of the city. There is an energy here and it really awakens my spirit and gives me a sense of euphoria that I can not accurately explain. I’m excited that I’ve scheduled meetings in Manhattan on Saturday and will be visiting friends briefly out in Queens to
I’ve been immensely busy lately. Not in the sense that the schedule is packed in every moment of the day but in the reality that things are in need of my attention. Ari will turn 3 next month and Nilsa is now 13 months old. This is a great age for both of them although Ari still is a bit too rough with his sister. Not to be outdone, Nilsa does NOT let herself be taken advantage of. She has started to rebel back to Ari so they will both be quite an interesting bunch in the coming months. This age separation they have is something I now count as a blessing. I won’t lie, at first it was rough. A toddler who was not able to really explain himself and a newborn was not an easy task. But we got through that and we’re onto the next stage. Age 3 is proving to be a battle of the wills for Ari and I’ve been told that talk of terrible twos is false and it’s should really be terrible threes. I’m inclined to believe that’s true. Nilsa, who I thought would suffer from the stereotype second child syndrome of being left out of things, is actually quite the opposite. I’ll reluctantly admit that I think the girl is spoiled. In attempt to not disrupt Ari’s usual routines we failed to really establish one with Nilsa and suffer the consequences. Everything we didn’t do with Ari and said we wouldn’t do with our kids we’ve succumbed to with Nilsa. Teaches you to never say never right? It is fun to see how very different they are and how very much alike they seem at times. There are the good times where I’m practically brought to tears of happiness and then the bad times where I’m driven to drink. But I’m enjoying this as much as I can.
I’ve started having a very interesting following online due to my recent Colorblind jobs. It’s like I have my own personal fan club and I have to say if feels good to really get recognition for the attentiveness I give my clients. So much so that I wish I could do more, be more and try more. My mind races with ideas and innovations and so many different things that I seemingly want to implement. I have huge spurts of motivation where I want to act on my intuition and ambitions and unfortunately find myself limited in time and resources to really accomplish my objectives. I’ve resolved that I shouldn’t get down about that and that although I can’t do what I want to do right this very moment that I can pull it off over a longer term period at a slower pace. That’s better then not doing it at all right???
Managing life with so many variables in it is never easy. Rob and I have managed to get backlogged in some things but nothing has become more delayed then the basics of life (i.e. laundry & housekeeping.) I will tell you that the largest negative to having a home based office is the fact that you are battling the priority of the jobs you need to do with the priorities of the household you need to keep. Should I be working on photos or washing clothes. Should I vacuum now or answer e-mails? It’s a constant pull in one direction or the other and everything seems to come to a decision as to what needs more attention now. And then there are the times where we want to blow off all responsibilities and build puzzles, snuggle little ones till they giggle uncontrollably or head out to the park and watch them just be. I secretly yearn for a housekeeper, a laundress and a secretary. Instead Rob and I trade off these hats depending on what time affords for them.
In general, things are well. They can always be better and we are working at getting them there. Looking at the overall scheme of things – our society as a whole, the economic conditions being what they are and the general volatility of life – I think we’re doing okay. And right now, that’s the best I can ask for.
22.9.08
Catching up
I left the house today to the sounds over the monitor of Nilsa singing. She’s obsessed with one song in particular that she will sing in her own way. She has finally figured out how to stand up by herself. She can almost get up from a sitting position without the help of something to pull up on. She’s becoming so much more confident in walking and will let go of things freely to toddle around. She seems so much happier to be able to have the liberty to walk around. This Saturday she turns one.
So many things have been going on and life in general continues being busy. I have not actively written on here because it’s just been difficult to find the time to really write out my thoughts in a cohesive manner. Right now I can’t even do so, as I’m trying hard to figure out what to do or say or post right now. So I guess I’ll do a small photo dump recap.
Nilsa’s baptism.
Almost 2 months ago. Gah, I’m so far behind. Kathy and Eddie are her godparents and we had everyone shuttle to New York for the baptism to my hometown parish. I love my parish. It has such a sense of home for me. And I was welcome to the sight of my 8th grade friends as Chris was baptizing his daughter that same day. So I got to see the guys I went to school with 17 years ago. And to book we went to Caffé on the Green for dinner following and Chris was holding his daughter’s celebration at the same place. Kismet. It was great seeing the guys who, I’m sure, don’t realize how much they were a salvation to me as a kid. They were the open arms and caretakers when I was at my most vulnerable and I need to go all therapy like on them one day and send them thank you notes for being there when I needed them although I’m sure they didn’t notice it then. But back to my beautiful little Miss. Nilsa, she looked absolutely darling in a dress so lovingly made by the mother of the person I consider my sister – Cindy. The dress was perfection and she looked absolutely darling in it with her white flower. It was such a great day surrounded by families and just so much fun. I felt so calm and jovial and it was the epitome of celebratory. No stresses, just smiles. Everyday should be that perfect.
Ari starts school
The week before last, Ari started his first day at pre-preschool. He loves it and I can only wish it was more then 2 days a week for 3 hours a day.
Nilsa’s birthday is on Saturday so stay tuned for pictures of her party on Sunday.
So many things have been going on and life in general continues being busy. I have not actively written on here because it’s just been difficult to find the time to really write out my thoughts in a cohesive manner. Right now I can’t even do so, as I’m trying hard to figure out what to do or say or post right now. So I guess I’ll do a small photo dump recap.
Nilsa’s baptism.
Almost 2 months ago. Gah, I’m so far behind. Kathy and Eddie are her godparents and we had everyone shuttle to New York for the baptism to my hometown parish. I love my parish. It has such a sense of home for me. And I was welcome to the sight of my 8th grade friends as Chris was baptizing his daughter that same day. So I got to see the guys I went to school with 17 years ago. And to book we went to Caffé on the Green for dinner following and Chris was holding his daughter’s celebration at the same place. Kismet. It was great seeing the guys who, I’m sure, don’t realize how much they were a salvation to me as a kid. They were the open arms and caretakers when I was at my most vulnerable and I need to go all therapy like on them one day and send them thank you notes for being there when I needed them although I’m sure they didn’t notice it then. But back to my beautiful little Miss. Nilsa, she looked absolutely darling in a dress so lovingly made by the mother of the person I consider my sister – Cindy. The dress was perfection and she looked absolutely darling in it with her white flower. It was such a great day surrounded by families and just so much fun. I felt so calm and jovial and it was the epitome of celebratory. No stresses, just smiles. Everyday should be that perfect.
Ari starts school
The week before last, Ari started his first day at pre-preschool. He loves it and I can only wish it was more then 2 days a week for 3 hours a day.
Nilsa’s birthday is on Saturday so stay tuned for pictures of her party on Sunday.
31.7.08
Grateful & Sentimental
It’s midnight. I should be asleep as I work tomorrow but instead I stayed up with Rob and as he worked discussed both the mundane things in life as well as casual mentions of where we want to be going forward. It is times like these that I realize how on the same page we are. Although I might be overly ambitious in my *want to dos* and he maybe at times a neurotic perfectionist, together we’re a balance of people with largely the same objectives and goals in life. We work so well together. How many people can say that not only do they love their spouse but also can successfully WORK with them without wanting to chew their heads off?
So here I sit in bed with my laptop. I quietly snuck a peak at my teething Little Ms. Nilsa and my adorable Arias and being the mom that I am listened to both of them breathe with the heavenly sounds that only your own child can make. They are beautiful children. I am at a place in life where, no, not everything is perfect. My house is a mess, I complain about not having time to do everything I really want to do, etc. But my life has a feeling of being complete. I could not have asked for anything better. And for that, I am grateful.
So here I sit in bed with my laptop. I quietly snuck a peak at my teething Little Ms. Nilsa and my adorable Arias and being the mom that I am listened to both of them breathe with the heavenly sounds that only your own child can make. They are beautiful children. I am at a place in life where, no, not everything is perfect. My house is a mess, I complain about not having time to do everything I really want to do, etc. But my life has a feeling of being complete. I could not have asked for anything better. And for that, I am grateful.
15.5.08
Nostalgic for Home
If you know me, you know that if I had the opportunity to live ANYWHERE in the world I would not hesitate to go back to my hometown of Astoria, NY. It's my bit of heaven. And even with all its current gentrification 'upper ditmars' will always be where I consider home. Just being there gives me a sense of calm that I cannot even explain. In minutes your in Manhattan, you can manage to get whatever you are itching to get at whatever hour it is you wish to get it. You don't need a car. You actually *GASP* WALK places. I miss all of this. It's diversity, it's convenience, it's neighborhood-ness as although it is in New York City - it has that small town warmth to it.
Yet I'm about 20 miles away. Close enough to be close but far enough to miss it every now and again. And I read this article and it really resonated with me.
Bad mommy - My daughter prefers the suburbs to NYC—where did I go wrong?
Time Out New York Kids / Issue 31 : Apr 15–May 15, 2008
Pictures from Mother's Day
We went to central park to walk around and just hang out.
If you look in the background of the last one - you'll see Rob and Ari.
Yet I'm about 20 miles away. Close enough to be close but far enough to miss it every now and again. And I read this article and it really resonated with me.
Bad mommy - My daughter prefers the suburbs to NYC—where did I go wrong?
Time Out New York Kids / Issue 31 : Apr 15–May 15, 2008
As a third-generation Lower East Sider, I’d long been mystified by the mind-set of couples who moved out to the suburbs once the kids came along. But one marriage proposal later, I too packed up my apartment and bought a big fat house on Long Island. I even traded in my ten-year-old city beater for an Infiniti, the luxury car of the moment.I can only hope to instill an appreciation and love for the city into my kids from the short distance of 20 miles. I wish they had the opportunity to grow up in the kind of atmosphere I did. I will just try my best for them to get a taste of it.
Once the Chicklet arrived, the time I spent on Sunrise Highway in my J30 lost its romance. Schlepping baby gear in and out of the car, I began to secretly yearn for Manhattan, where it seemed all a parent had to do was throw the kid into a stroller and go. Anything you might need, from Goldfish crackers to a single diaper, could be picked up at a bodega or Korean deli. It didn’t help that my marriage was coming to an end.
Then came the final straw. Actually, it was a giant oak tree, which fell on my house. With no super to call, I dialed 911 and was educated by the local emergency operator about something called a tree surgeon. It made no sense to stay and acquire more suburban vocabulary, so I decided to raise my preschooler back in my hometown.
I talked up our move to the Big Apple for weeks. It was a bright fall morning when we returned to Grand Street. As we emerged from the clunky old Chevy I’d gotten in trade for the Infiniti (a deal blessed by my father, who swears that anything shiny parked in Manhattan will get broken into), a fire truck blaring its siren zoomed by. “It’s loud,” my daughter winced, shielding her ears.
Before I could give what would become the first of many apologies for the city’s shortcomings, another engine went by, followed right behind by a third. My acquired New York obliviousness to such rackets was still with me; all I heard was the welcome wagon. But the Chicklet reacted to the din as a kind of sensory punishment—which, come to think of it, was exactly how I felt about the tranquility of the burbs.
Since the days of The Exorcist and Jason Voorhees, I’ve had a subconscious belief that demons and psychos emerge from suburban backyards and basements when all is otherwise placid. On Long Island, the only sounds were crickets and something called “settling.” As in, “Don’t be scared, sweetheart. That’s just the house settling.” To this day, I don’t understand how a house built in 1948 can still be settling. Is the Dakota or Trump Tower settling?
I tried to lift the Chicklet’s spirits with talk of Halloween. Trick-or-treating in a warm Manhattan apartment building sure beats the misery of trudging from house to house in a winter coat that hides the all-important costume. Then, on October 30, a memo came informing new tenants that trick-or-treating was against co-op policy. Appalled at this edict, I defiantly took the Chicklet around the building. But our efforts yielded only a couple of fortune cookies, a handful of pennies and a can of soda. Yet another blow to my “I heart NY” propaganda campaign.
Still, all was not lost. The Chicklet’s first New Year’s Eve in Manhattan was a big one: 1999!I figured 10am was a reasonable hour to take a tot into Times Square. To commemorate the occasion, I gave my camera to a cop for a quick Y2K shot of us by the ball drop. Right before he snapped the photo, my daughter turned her back to the camera and dug her face into my parka. The crowds and chaotic revelry were not her style.
At bedtime that night, as random firecracker blasts went off around the neighborhood, I tried to distract her with a discussion of New Year’s resolutions. By way of example, I told her I wanted to exercise more. She didn’t have to think long before stating that she wanted to move back to the suburbs, where it’s quiet and you get candy on Halloween.
When midnight came, I watched the fireworks from my window and thought about how lucky I was to be back in the city. The local TV news serenaded my solitary moment with “Auld Lang Syne,” followed by the requisite “New York, New York.”
“If I can make it there, I’ll make it anywhere,” belted out Old Blue Eyes.
And then it hit me.
Sorry, Mr. Chairman, but that’s just not true. I can’t make it anywhere but here. However, my daughter may decide to take her chances one day.
We went to central park to walk around and just hang out.
If you look in the background of the last one - you'll see Rob and Ari.
10.5.08
Heaven is...
* Giggles when you snuggle the neck of your children
* The gentle breathe of sleep
* My 2 year old singing along to african lullabies
* My 7 month old grabbing my face with her 2 hands and trying to eat my nose
* Hugs
* The words "I love you mami"
* Little hands waving you goodbye from their bedroom windows
* A father and amazing husband snuggling his kids
* Family
* Two beautiful kids smiling at the camera at the same time
I'm truly blessed.
* The gentle breathe of sleep
* My 2 year old singing along to african lullabies
* My 7 month old grabbing my face with her 2 hands and trying to eat my nose
* Hugs
* The words "I love you mami"
* Little hands waving you goodbye from their bedroom windows
* A father and amazing husband snuggling his kids
* Family
* Two beautiful kids smiling at the camera at the same time
I'm truly blessed.
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