Things I Overheard While Talking to Myself

I talk to myself often. I run through the lists of things I need to do, things I want to do. I try to motivate myself. I laugh and giggle and curse. I yell at myself. I keep myself from crying. I can have an internal struggle with myself in my mind while watching television or worse yet, when in conversation with someone else. And throughout the whole process my external persona doesn’t give way to the blur of conversation in my head. You know when your mind wanders – yeah – I talk to myself. I noticed after watching the movie CARS for the 4 millionth time that Lightening McQueen opens the movie talking to himself. So I know I’m not alone in this. Everyone does it. That interior voice in your head is always there and it never really does shut up especially at those times where you really don’t even want to hear it. But how many times do we even really bother to listen to it?

I realize now that my posts have morphed into the regurgitation of my own conversations with myself-my internal thoughts and suggestions. They have no perceived direction, fail at really explaining things well at times and include a litany of things I want and don’t want to remember. I’ve read my old posts, I keep them. I laugh at them. I cry with them. They show how much I’ve changed - how I’ve grown. They depict good times and bad times. They outline goals I didn’t even think to write down or even really think existed. They show me my failures. They bring out my fears and show how I faced them or ignored them. They make me miss people - friends - innocence. My reading them is fascinating to me. Sometimes I recognize myself and sometimes I truly don’t.

November came to a close with the small celebration of my 31st Birthday (on the 26th) a quiet Thanksgiving and a glorious long weekend which left me pining for more time with my family, with myself and with my home. As is the case for me from time to time I’m feeling rather ‘woe is me’ and I’m blaming the extended weekend for it. I was very productive weekend. I still have a ways to go but I managed to do much in the house, I spent time with the kids, I spent time with my mom, I even spent time with Rob and I coordinated a fabulous wedding. I lived a semi ideal life for 5 days. I want more of it. MORE MORE MORE. And in return what have I done. Ignored my blogs and been unmotivated. This is NOT a good place to be. Did I mention I feel frumpy? Yeah. I need to dye the hair and need to get into shape. I mean I gained 8 lbs which isn’t a bad thing as it’s not like I’m overweight or something but my clothes FEEL tighter and that alone makes me feel frumpier. I need to feel good about myself again.

It’s December. Ari turns 3 in the next few days. Nilsa is trying REALLY HARD to actually form words and she’s now walking a lot faster. They are growing. The year comes to a close in the next few weeks. We move into 2009 and I’ve so many ambitions and goals that I wish to attain. Rob and I still struggle and smile through our day to day with the business, with life, with family and with each other. I feel in the past few months that I’ve been walking towards a crossroads and I’m under the illusion that it’s coming up quickly but I’ve yet to arrive at it. I have an inkling that things are going to change soon. I’m not sure if it’s for the better. I certainly hope it’s not for the worse. But I know it will change with no more proof then the very instinct that pulses through me. I feel it coming, bubbling and ready to burst. The anticipation is killing me and yet I’ve no idea what it will entail. All I know is I’m waiting for it to arrive.

I haven't taken new photos. But I did get a new camera for my birthday and I hope to really get back on the photo taking bandwagon. I've been listening to christmas carols in the car. Ari found the all christmas songs station on his radio in his room and listens to it himself. He already sings Jingle Bells really well. We're chugging along.