This isn't forever. This is just right now.

Let me tell you a secret. I’m happy. I’ve been a bit hesitant to admit that but I am. It’s odd how when things go wrong you seem to want to tell the world about them. You want them off your chest and you want someone to nod reassuringly and hold your hand and tell you everything is going to be OK. You want to be comforted and enveloped in someone else’s nurturing words assuring you that things will work out. And we do this all because when life seems tough, we generally can’t for the life of us just up and say things will get better. We don’t allow ourselves to believe it even though we are quick to believe the same exact statement from another person.

And then when things are good and when life is smiles and sunshine, we shy away from admitting it. It’s like we are 12 years old and the admission alone will guarantee someone will come around screaming JINX! And that very thing will cause the sky to fall. I’m going to risk that right now because I am happy. And it is not in that complacent ‘it is what it is’ kind of way. No, I’m genuinely happy.

You want to know why?

I stopped caring so much and started living. I’ve finally accepted life as it is. And guess what? It’s not perfect. And that is the best thing of all! Because it’s not supposed to be! I’ve exhausted so much time in my life bitching and complaining and wondering when it will be my turn to live the life I want to live. Constantly telling myself that I don’t have enough time or enough options in life and that where I’m meant to be is someplace other then where I am right now. I have been feeling guilty of spending too much time away from my kids, not expending enough effort in my business and being lackluster in my full time job. 2010 started and we’re in April now and I’ve been put on a roller coaster ride in the last 3 months. I was given options, opportunities, and have completed tasks and had successes. I have busted ass, and lit fires under other’s asses and I have taken the time to sit down and see the beauty of everyday life. I stopped making excuses, and started making decisions.

I separated Dianne into the individual persons she is. Dianne the mom and wife, Dianne the Colorblind entrepreneur, Dianne the full time worker, and Dianne the self reliant individual. For a long time I actually thought that these individual representations of me had to be ‘on’ at all time and I finally snapped and realized, they are a part of me but don’t need to subsist simultaneously 24/7. How I haven’t crashed yet is alarming. And maybe that fainting spell last month (yes I fainted and it was not something I'd like to repeat) was the warning I needed that I needed to start taking better care of myself. And so, that’s what I’m doing.

I’ve started concentrating on Dianne the self reliant individual most of all! She is the life force and the authentic ‘me’ that I have lived with all my life. The confident girl that wanted what she wanted when she wanted it and did whatever she needed to do within her means to get it. The person who took self portraits on the regular, took the time to ensure she felt good in her own skin, and claimed vanity, to a certain extent was a good thing. I’ve let her slide. I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize the face looking back at me and so I actually went on a diet (my first ever and with success), started taking better care of myself and started being a bit selfish with myself. I’m in my 4th week of this operation and I feel better than I have in a long time. I am steadily getting back to being the confident devil may care woman I recognize.

I’m going to quote another person here because this really accurately describes what my current mindset about being a wife and mom.

Accept that your day to day life simply isn't always going to flow smoothly. You have to cede a certain amount of control in your life -- especially if you have kids. Some days you're going to feel like, "Shit! I'm so overextended. That feeling can be extremely frustrating -- until you say to yourself, "You know, things are just always going to be kind of out of balance."

And once you do that -- once you expect at least a little normal life chaos, and stop beating yourself up over it -- acceptance takes over. And here's the irony: once we begin expecting and accepting imbalance, that mind-set paradoxically guides us to periods of -- guess what? – balance

And that is where I am now, this odd reality that chaos is the norm and that perfection shouldn’t be a goal. We expend so much energy in our lives making sure we give the right impression to the world, making sure we look totally put together in everything we do. FREAKING OUT when things aren’t perfect when really, the dishes in the sink, toys on the ground and unironed clothes aren’t the enemy. The enemy is this compulsory need to make sure everything is where it needs to be and using up hours of precious family time to ensure that something that is not an immediate need is done that very instant. The floor can remain dirty so that you and your husband have a bit of adult time. That’s the kind of exhaustion one needs in their life, not the kind that comes with everyday living expectations. We can order out today so that the entire family can enjoy the 90 degree weather in April at the park. Life goes on even if you don’t get everything you want to get done - might as well enjoy it.

When I chose to return to my everyday job from another opportunity I had I wondered if it was the right choice. I now see it was the best choice for me. But in returning I changed a bit of my thinking. I returned with an understanding that it’s not worth bitching that I 'have to' work full time. It’s a job and a paycheck and they have an expectation of me in exchange for that paycheck. So what I need to do is live up to that expectation, do what I am paid for and leave. And that is what I need to do. Do they get on my nerves on occasion? YES. But the only reason is because I have not done what I should have done or I am letting something trivial get to me.

I am happy. Life is moving in the right direction. The road isn’t without its bumps, but I’ll take the bumps without bitching. It’s part of the ride. I’ve got a job, I’ve got kids, I’ve got life demands -- and I’m not going to apologize for anything, because I’m getting it done. This isn’t forever. This is just right now.

On self sabatoge and the zen nature of leaves

I’ll admit it. I am notorious for sabotaging myself. I set myself up for it. I walk into things with an immense passion and motivation. I always have. Grand ideas and lofty plans all written up, thought over, researched and nitpicked. I share my plan, get it started and somewhere along the line I get distracted. It’s not that the passion isn’t there. It’s not that I’ve lost the motivation or WANT to do it. The issue ends up being a bit of exhaustion, a sense of overwhelming and probably a bit of boredom. I still crave whatever it is that I was doing or planning to do, it’s just I’m mentally out of commission. I hit a creative and physical funk.

What’s worse is that during this state I actually go numb. E-mails go unanswered, calls go to voicemail and I just step away from myself. I see them all come in and at time read/listen to them, I know that they’re an easy answer and easy fix and yet I ignore them. My research becomes dated; my plans gather dust and soon the spiders begin their network of webs. And at about that time something fuels me back to life and I clear the cobwebs in my brain and get back to doing what I was supposed to do. Most of them are the most trivial things; Things that would have taken me seconds if not minutes to complete and yet I have let them fester and gurgle and procrastinate on. It’s one of my worst faults. I just drag things out rather than just completing them. Laziness and boredom take over my usual energetic and magnanimous attitude.

Funks are funny that way. I think many of us are overwhelmed with life in general. We don’t take enough time to smell the roses. Instead we run around full throttle and way above the body’s speed limit and we have the audacity to bitch and moan and complain about it all along. We wonder why we’re so tired, why we don’t have time and why we are aging so quickly. I yell at myself often – SLOW THE F*CK DOWN - but who listens to their own advice? My brain is so overloaded with what it needs to do that it has no time to stop and listen to reason. I’d like to figure out a way to make it SHUT UP.

And then there are those moments of ZEN. Those moments where your mind and body and spirit are where they need to be. Where life is happiness, worries are minimal and smiles permeate ever being around you. It’s utter joy! It’s as simple as playing in a pile of leaves.











Life needs to be more simple.

Sharing your birthday with Thanksgiving is not ideal

I'm a huge birthday celebrant. I think this is really the one time of the year when a person has the day to themselves. When I was pregnant with Ari I actually feared that he would be birthed on my birthday. I'm one of those horrible persons who just didn't want to share my birthday with my child. And thankfully I didn't.

But I digress. I'm also one of those people that is okay with getting older. Sure, I'd like to perpetually be 18 years old but that's not the way life goes. And unlike what my mother and several other family members and friends have done, I am not 'picking' an age and re-celebrating it year after year. I am one year older and I think its something to celebrate.

Tomorrow I'll be
And when that day is over I'll look excitedly to being 33 (which is by the way my favorite number.)

Yet every four years my birthday lands on the fourth Thursday of November. That means it lands on Thanksgiving day. So 'my' day becomes Thanksgiving day and it just not fun to share it even though Thanksgiving has all the rights to the 26th of November considering the first national Thanksgiving day was on November 26, 1789.

Lest you think I was being even more self centered then usual (really is that possible?) I assure you that I have YET to have an awesome Thanksgiving day birthday and that I personally don't think it's even possible. I have a litany of BAD thanksgiving day birthdays to recall including having my head thrust into a cake which sparked a huge fight, having something explode into a mass of blood within my eyeball, an immense series of arguments and family fights that have escalated to dangerous levels, etc. And no, something bad does not happen every year but I have an ideal birthday. This ideal changes from year to year but I can assure you that it never includes turkey, so much food that I'm rendered without an appetite (seriously, i barely eat anything on thanksgiving because the amount of food is a turn off), football and for just this year the cemetery (more on that later.)

This year my ideal would be to be surrounded by my kids and Rob. Open a present or two, maybe something they made, something that screams me as small or insignificant as it could be, and to spend my day in a quiet happiness of love enveloped, maybe go ice skating, maybe walk down 5th avenue in the city and take in the pre-Christmas fervor, or maybe, just maybe cuddling up in bed watching old Christmas movies. Simple. Comfortable. Me.

The torch has passed. Relax.

I don't know what to write. There is so much going on in my head as of late that I'm not focused on documenting what's going on in my life. So many things happening and yet I feel if I write them down I will be overwhelmed. Things at times are good. At times it feels as if my world is collapsing around me. There are things I understand and things I long to understand. Patience, never a strong suit of mine, is the only thing that I am supposed to be adhering to and I battle it. I have always wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. Life just doesn't work that way.

I went to a meeting in the city at the Cupcake Cafe directly after work yesterday.

Although I'm not a fan of the cupcake (or this ones confection at all), the frosting is what makes them and I will suck off the frosting and dispose of the often times boring cake associated. Which is what i did yesterday. But I digress, I do love this location for meetings though. Its a kitschy little place that shares its space with a children's book store. Just very warm and inviting and it was a good meeting.

I parked 3 blocks away (free parking!) so after the meeting it was already almost 8. I walked slowly and enjoyed the smell of the city, its bustle & vibe. I felt nostalgic as I always do when I'm back but I also felt enveloped in warmth. Hugged so to speak. And when I got to the car and sat down I was awash with tiredness. My feet throbbed as if I had been on my feet all day, my back hurt, my arms were sore. In that 3 block walk I managed to do something I haven't done in a while.....

RELAX

I let my guard down enough that I was overtaken by my body. I was so tired and yet it felt good to be tired. I embraced the feeling that evening. It felt good to FEEL something. It's peak wedding season. I'm working the full time job which has picked up a wee bit *thankfully.* I'm taking care of meetings, I'm out early mornings on weekends and not returning until late into the night. I'm constantly on the go and in that rush from here to there and back again I'm left with tunnel vision. Moving onto my next destination with no time to really breathe in the world around me. No time to really FEEL. My kids reach out to me every time I walk in the door as my presence, much to my dismay, is short lately. I sat with them yesterday on the couch. One on each side with their little heads on my chest and smiled. I felt satiated. I valued the little time they sat with me before they buzzed off in their toddler states to their next endeavor. I enjoy the fact that they want me around, need me but yet know that I do what I do and can let me go to do it. We've adapted to enjoy the time together as much as possible I guess. Or maybe that's what I'm telling myself.

I work hard. I don't give myself credit for that but I do. I realize how much my mom used to work as well. How much she still does. I realize now how much my mother in law works. They both have raised children and now assist with their grandchildren and the work they do in that is rewarding and everything around them affords them that reward. And that is what I'm doing now. Working hard for the reward of 4 little arms wrapped around me and a plethora of stolen kisses that make everything worthwhile. The torch has passed to the next generation. I realize that now. I need to remember to relax. I realize a lot when I give myself the opportunity to see what's around me.

I should take walks alone in the city more often.

The various degrees of “busy” in my life.

I don’t want to be more efficient. I want to be more effective.

I've spent the better part of the last year trying to solve the puzzle of balance. How do I balance my life. How do I manage 2 kids, a husband, a home business, and a full time job? Where will I have time for each of these? Where will I find time for myself?

I've blogged on occasion, yet I felt disconnected. I didn't feel that pull that I've generally felt to divulge every intimate detail of my life. I convinced myself that I should privatize my life, to really center myself on my household and my family. I found happiness within it. The smiles of my kids, their hugs. The time I spent with them. I took time out for them. For Rob. I ignored everything else. It seemed to be working. I was happy. But one can't ignore everything. And as it seems it caught up to me. Shouting at me the reality that you have to still pay attention to everything around you. The blissful stage was short lived.

It got busy. I struggled to juggle the tasks at hand. Struggled to figure out what I should be paying attention to more. Came to a point and decreed that there is no such thing as work-life balance. Cried. Whined. Nagged. Pouted. Screamed.

Then i decided I couldn't take it anymore. And I decided that what I needed to do was to improve my life by organizing and streamlining it. I had spent week after week, month after month doing tasks, running errands, completing assignments, and moving at warp speed. So it stands to reason that if I were more organized, used my calendar more efficiently, maintained my contact lists consistently, planned better, stayed on top of my email, scheduled time for the kidlets with more commitment, etc. life would be good.

Wrong.

Week after week and month after month I couldn't figure out why my ideas dissipated and my life still felt flat. Creating balance in all areas of your life is not achieved by managing time better, or checking off items on ever expanding to do lists. Balance is a dynamic state of being that you can achieve by doing what you’ve been meaning to do all your adult life.

So, much like the character in the movie Office Space, I felt it was time to really think about me. Leave this cult of busyness and determine what was *really* important to me. my latest alliteration is to work towards doing something that makes me happier, so I can bring that happiness home. It is a lot easier to smile for the family when your day doesn’t suck. Am I any less busier. NO. Any less miserable? Nope. Any less busy? Hell no. But I'm working on laying out a plan. A VERY SIMPLE ONE. Screw intricate plans and dedicated strategies. I don’t want to be more efficient. I want to be more effective. I want to enjoy the time I have, even if its in this miserable f/t job I have. There are various degrees of busy in my life and I like being busy. But there's also the right to be lazy. I need to adopt that too.

It's time to take the reigns and do things that bring happiness. Honor my values. Look in the mirror and be happy with what I see.

Stage one. Welcome to the return of me. I need to indulge myself some again. I need to crack whips. I seem to be at my best when I'm being a wee bit on the self indulgent side. I feel better and I think that will trickle down to other areas in my life that need the smile and self assurance I can share more then anyone else.

New photos of the kids and Rob and the vacation to come this week. But for now I leave you with some (courtesy of Kathy)

Something’s gotta give…

This post is a long time coming. I left my house this morning en route to work. It’s raining out, and the perfect day to hide under the covers and sleep or lazily watch movies. I can’t remember the last time I did that. I was ready to leave and as I grabbed my keys, I heard a giggle. I raised the volume of the monitor and out of it streamed the laughter of Ari and Nilsa. Rob was upstairs and they had just woken up. I don’t know what they were doing or what was going on. All I heard was the shrieks of happiness and giggles of joy from my 2 little imps. Nothing brings a bigger smile to my face. And yet, that happiness was stifled with the reality that I had to sneak away - out the door before they made their way downstairs. Not able to kiss their temples before I left because not only was I running behind but if they catch me before I leave I am at times met with tears and little hands grabbing me to play, to stay, to not go to work. And I hate to disappoint them with me leaving. So the sound of their laughter trailed behind me as I closed the door and stepped out into the rain, the gloom of the skies reflecting my mood.

It times like this that I curse the reality that currently is my life. I’m not complaining about my life. Or, better said, I’m not trying to. I know that as an adult, my job is to live my life in response to the obligations that I have. Though they are mostly monetary obligations, they help keep the roof over my head, food on the table and most especially, give my kids the kind of life that I want for them and keep those smiles on their faces. Almost every parent sacrifices something for the benefit of their kids. But sometimes, I question the quality of the sacrifice. I wonder if overall it will backfire. We’ve all heard the song “Cat’s in the Cradle” where the dad wants so much for his son he works and does and limits his time with his child to manage it. At the end of it all, he’s realized he didn’t spend enough time in life with his child and now his child has emulated the same philosophy with his children and the listener is left to wonder if that was a good or bad thing. I don’t’ want to wake up one day and see my children grown and not have been given the opportunity to really enjoy their growth.

I titled this blog when I was pregnant – attempting to defeat the superwoman syndrome was my mantra for while. It still kind of is. The purpose of it was to rant about the things in my head, purge them when necessary and to REMIND myself that I didn’t need to be superwoman, didn’t need to do everything and anything and that I needed to just focus on being the best that I could be. That meant I needed to stop the comparison to others. (I’ve done really well with this) and to limit the idea that there was an “IDEAL” person I needed to be (I’ve been only okay with this.) All and all I’ve been happy with the way things have been going, but now that Nilsa is almost 2 and Ari is almost 4, things have changed.

For the past few years I’ve worked, and worked, and worked some more, I’ve worked a lot. I’ve heard, more then I care to hear, the phrase “I don’t know how you do it.” To be honest, I really DON’T KNOW how I do it. I know that I manage the full time 8a-5p job Monday thru Friday, the evening meetings for Colorblind and the weekend weddings and events in part thanks to the extraordinary help and support from both Rob’s mother and my mother. I know I could not do what I do without them. They are a lifeline that I am blessed and grateful to have and I know I don’t’ tell them enough how important and how indispensable their help and support is. My kids are constantly loved and nurtured while we work and that is thanks to their grandparents. And Rob is a major player in getting life done. He’s taken on a role that most men would never even conceptualize. But internally, I/we sacrifice a lot of other things in the quest to keep this schedule

• Household duties go undone (laundry piles up; dusting takes a back seat, etc.)
  
  
• Sleep. Sometimes the only time available where the house is quiet and interruptions aren’t happening is late at night or super early morning. So sleep is lost in exchange to obligations (this is in large part a HUGE Rob sacrifice – as I’ve woken many times at 3am to find him on the computer working on editing pictures or video or such)
  
  
• Order/Organization. I was never a huge neat freak with everything labeled and arranged. But I did have a sort of organized chaos. I knew where everything was, could find things with relative ease and things were, in my unique way, organized. Now I waste precious time because nothing is in any kind of order, things are haphazardly strewn about and I’m lucky I remember my name at times. I avoid certain areas on purpose because it’s such a horrific mish mash that even if I had time I wouldn’t know WHERE to begin. And when I do try, it returns to its state of disarray soon after. I know those of you who come to our house go huh? as it really, from appearances, looks tidy. Our kids and their play things are relatively organized. It’s Rob and I and our respective paperwork that is not.
  
  
• Listening. (huh? what did you say?) yeah. In one ear and out the other syndrome when your mind is racing with everything you need/should be doing is viral in my home.
  
  
• Time. This is the thing that I think affects me most. Time is sacrificed - time with my husband, time with my kids (**most important**) and ultimately time with myself. Time is what I crave most. Worthwhile time that affords me to not only enjoy life but catch up with the aforementioned sacrifices.

I’m tired of this. Not the kind of tired where a good 10 hour sleep could take care of. It’s the kind of tired that’s synonymous with disgust. I’ve become jaded. My life, or the life that I now live, is disenchanting. Even things I love to do have come to overwhelm me to the point that it no longer brings me joy. I’m reaching my breaking point and I’m struggling to hold myself together. I’ve gone as far to saying the words “it’s not fair.” I’ve said these words before when the kids were infants. When I wanted me time and I wanted to escape the responsibilities of being a parent. What’s funny is that now I’m repeating the exact same sentiment and the reasoning is not to run away, but run towards my kids and my family. Now my lament is NOT having enough time with them, of not being around enough. I have come to realize that they really do need me most now. That this hugs and kisses stage and the wanting to be around me is what my life is now. That it won’t always be this way. That they’re not going to always need me. They’re not going to always want me around. I feel as if I’m missing out on this amazing time of their lives. This is the time of life when they are most innocent, most honest. They are sponges, learning each day and growing into their own person. They are genuine in spirit and in mind, love wholly and unconditionally and are unaffected by the negativity and sentiments of the outside world. It is a time to treasure.

And in this time I find myself a spectator rather then a participant. I spend the majority of my day in front of a computer doing a job I largely am uninterested in (lets be honest – I’m bored) and lamenting the time it cheats me from being with my children. I stare at their picture on my desk, look out the window at the sun and wish I was at the playground with them. Even on a day like today where the rain is coming down, I daydream of donning raincoats and splashing puddles. I ache at the reality that I have to ask permission to leave my office to attend any function and then need to hustle away from the joy of their smiles to the expectations of my work; work that brings me no joy or happiness. Work, that guilts me on time off because as an employee, they pay me and expect me to put them first. The same sting and sorrow I felt this morning upon walking away from their giggles I feel all day long. I know its going to get worse too. Ari starts school with all its events and participation opportunities and I want to be active in it. I don’t know how I could be with my current schedule. I’m tired of sacrificing my kids. I’m also tired of sacrificing the benefit I could be to colorblind (that’s another post altogether that is slightly similar to this one.) I’m genuinely tired of working so much. And I don’t know what it is I can do to help my current state. As it stands now, the only time I have with my kids is weekdays following work which just all out sucks. I’m tired after a long day, my patience is dwindled and I’m not in the best frame of mind to be the kind of mother and parent I should be to them. Beyond that, 2-3 hours before bed is not my ideal definition of “quality time.” I live for the rare weekends when I am free. My fondest memories with my kids happen between breakfast and 2pm. It is time stolen from me on a daily basis. I know many working mom’s that feel this way and I even find myself envious of them because they at the very least have weekends available.

I had a plan at the beginning of the year. Things looked to be going in one direction that would have probably benefited me the most, but that made a turn, and now my plans have been scrapped without any real options for new ones. And I honestly don’t think I can keep up at this pace much longer. Things don’t look encouraging and I struggle to ensure the melancholy I feel doesn’t overpower me. For now I take what time I can get, hold it dear and close to me and PRAY that I’ll have more time with them in the short term future. My biggest fear right now is not having the opportunity to enjoy this time and regretting not doing something to make that my reality.

Summer Days, Nights, Life...

I've been busy. Things have been a combination of absolute bliss and general chaos sprinkled with some disconcerting uncertainty and a soulful need to change things. I've been saying for a while to myself that I need to post a 'somethings gotta give post.' This is not it. There are great loves in my life - my family and the colorblind business. Then there is the rest of everything else - the necessary evils in life that is keeping me from fully immersing myself in the joys of my absolute loves. I want so badly to be able to let loose and pursue my dreams. The question of HOW to do it still remains unanswered.

In the interim things are full. Full of laughter, full of love, full of hugs and kisses and I love yous. They quell my sorrows, bring joy to my life and give me the strength to move forward and work at finding a way to have them around more often. This picture best embodies me at the moment. It is where I want to be. Although I hate that Ari is crying (he was overtired and in dire need of sleep) it shows what my role needs to be. Where I need to be. Where happiness lies.

I'll get there. And hopefully soon.

Disconnected

*warning - brain dump post*

I'm feeling disconnected. An odd feeling. Its like I can't balance myself in much of anything. Conversations are awkward. There's a detachment - a sort of barrier between me and my relationships. It's like I'm trying too hard and yet not trying at all. It's hard to explain.

And in these times of disconnect a sense of sadness comes over me. A need to be enveloped in a warm blanket. A desire to feel a sense of peace and calm that can only come from an exterior circumstance. I don't know what it is I want. I just know that there should be a way to get to it. I'm not sure what to ask for a hug, a vacation, to be babied, to get more attention, or to be left alone.

It's just one of those days. I'm sure the rain and the fact that its Monday doesn't help. Dumping this thought stream here so I can get it out of my head. I'm sad and angry inside and I don't want to take it out on anyone - so I'll just leave it to fester here on my blog. and out of my head.

Things I Overheard While Talking to Myself

I talk to myself often. I run through the lists of things I need to do, things I want to do. I try to motivate myself. I laugh and giggle and curse. I yell at myself. I keep myself from crying. I can have an internal struggle with myself in my mind while watching television or worse yet, when in conversation with someone else. And throughout the whole process my external persona doesn’t give way to the blur of conversation in my head. You know when your mind wanders – yeah – I talk to myself. I noticed after watching the movie CARS for the 4 millionth time that Lightening McQueen opens the movie talking to himself. So I know I’m not alone in this. Everyone does it. That interior voice in your head is always there and it never really does shut up especially at those times where you really don’t even want to hear it. But how many times do we even really bother to listen to it?

I realize now that my posts have morphed into the regurgitation of my own conversations with myself-my internal thoughts and suggestions. They have no perceived direction, fail at really explaining things well at times and include a litany of things I want and don’t want to remember. I’ve read my old posts, I keep them. I laugh at them. I cry with them. They show how much I’ve changed - how I’ve grown. They depict good times and bad times. They outline goals I didn’t even think to write down or even really think existed. They show me my failures. They bring out my fears and show how I faced them or ignored them. They make me miss people - friends - innocence. My reading them is fascinating to me. Sometimes I recognize myself and sometimes I truly don’t.

November came to a close with the small celebration of my 31st Birthday (on the 26th) a quiet Thanksgiving and a glorious long weekend which left me pining for more time with my family, with myself and with my home. As is the case for me from time to time I’m feeling rather ‘woe is me’ and I’m blaming the extended weekend for it. I was very productive weekend. I still have a ways to go but I managed to do much in the house, I spent time with the kids, I spent time with my mom, I even spent time with Rob and I coordinated a fabulous wedding. I lived a semi ideal life for 5 days. I want more of it. MORE MORE MORE. And in return what have I done. Ignored my blogs and been unmotivated. This is NOT a good place to be. Did I mention I feel frumpy? Yeah. I need to dye the hair and need to get into shape. I mean I gained 8 lbs which isn’t a bad thing as it’s not like I’m overweight or something but my clothes FEEL tighter and that alone makes me feel frumpier. I need to feel good about myself again.

It’s December. Ari turns 3 in the next few days. Nilsa is trying REALLY HARD to actually form words and she’s now walking a lot faster. They are growing. The year comes to a close in the next few weeks. We move into 2009 and I’ve so many ambitions and goals that I wish to attain. Rob and I still struggle and smile through our day to day with the business, with life, with family and with each other. I feel in the past few months that I’ve been walking towards a crossroads and I’m under the illusion that it’s coming up quickly but I’ve yet to arrive at it. I have an inkling that things are going to change soon. I’m not sure if it’s for the better. I certainly hope it’s not for the worse. But I know it will change with no more proof then the very instinct that pulses through me. I feel it coming, bubbling and ready to burst. The anticipation is killing me and yet I’ve no idea what it will entail. All I know is I’m waiting for it to arrive.

I haven't taken new photos. But I did get a new camera for my birthday and I hope to really get back on the photo taking bandwagon. I've been listening to christmas carols in the car. Ari found the all christmas songs station on his radio in his room and listens to it himself. He already sings Jingle Bells really well. We're chugging along.

Random Ramblings...

I was in Brooklyn last night. I had a meeting at Café Vox Pop which I will totally recommend for great coffee, delicious whole wheat chocolate chip cookies and great music. I entered to jazz playing, an adorable and attentive barista (is there a male version of that word?) and just a mellow vibe that was ideal. I almost lamented having to perform a meeting as I would have loved to just sip on my coffee and listen to the music and relax. So for the 5 minutes that I did have to myself in the café I soaked in the atmosphere. The drive out to Brooklyn was uneventful. Because the meeting was late (8pm) and I left New Jersey early, I didn’t hit a barrage of traffic en route. Some congestion in China Town which is to be expected and I opted the more scenic side streets of Brooklyn rather then the Gowanas/BQE/Prospect Parkway. I find that I’m in Brooklyn often lately, meeting with potential clients, handling weddings, etc. For a Queens girl I have grown to truly love Brooklyn as it seems has everyone else as it’s like “THE” place to be right now.

Beyond that it was time to myself. Something that does not come as often as I wish but such is life and I’m not complaining about it. The lack of that time makes me truly appreciate the moments I have in silence, alone, and in my own thoughts. It’s nice to have a few minutes that are not filled with the expectation of adulthood, the attention seeking of children or the responsibilities of wife and co-worker to my husband. In the drive I took in the energy of the city. There is an energy here and it really awakens my spirit and gives me a sense of euphoria that I can not accurately explain. I’m excited that I’ve scheduled meetings in Manhattan on Saturday and will be visiting friends briefly out in Queens to get rid of offer my baby gear for their triplets! So I’ll have more of this time alone with the city. It re-energizes me. I know some people just don’t understand my strange affinity towards NYC but that’s ok. It’s not easy to describe. And I’m not asking people to know what I’m talking about, but I do appreciate those that totally ‘get it.’

I’ve been immensely busy lately. Not in the sense that the schedule is packed in every moment of the day but in the reality that things are in need of my attention. Ari will turn 3 next month and Nilsa is now 13 months old. This is a great age for both of them although Ari still is a bit too rough with his sister. Not to be outdone, Nilsa does NOT let herself be taken advantage of. She has started to rebel back to Ari so they will both be quite an interesting bunch in the coming months. This age separation they have is something I now count as a blessing. I won’t lie, at first it was rough. A toddler who was not able to really explain himself and a newborn was not an easy task. But we got through that and we’re onto the next stage. Age 3 is proving to be a battle of the wills for Ari and I’ve been told that talk of terrible twos is false and it’s should really be terrible threes. I’m inclined to believe that’s true. Nilsa, who I thought would suffer from the stereotype second child syndrome of being left out of things, is actually quite the opposite. I’ll reluctantly admit that I think the girl is spoiled. In attempt to not disrupt Ari’s usual routines we failed to really establish one with Nilsa and suffer the consequences. Everything we didn’t do with Ari and said we wouldn’t do with our kids we’ve succumbed to with Nilsa. Teaches you to never say never right? It is fun to see how very different they are and how very much alike they seem at times. There are the good times where I’m practically brought to tears of happiness and then the bad times where I’m driven to drink. But I’m enjoying this as much as I can.

I’ve started having a very interesting following online due to my recent Colorblind jobs. It’s like I have my own personal fan club and I have to say if feels good to really get recognition for the attentiveness I give my clients. So much so that I wish I could do more, be more and try more. My mind races with ideas and innovations and so many different things that I seemingly want to implement. I have huge spurts of motivation where I want to act on my intuition and ambitions and unfortunately find myself limited in time and resources to really accomplish my objectives. I’ve resolved that I shouldn’t get down about that and that although I can’t do what I want to do right this very moment that I can pull it off over a longer term period at a slower pace. That’s better then not doing it at all right???

Managing life with so many variables in it is never easy. Rob and I have managed to get backlogged in some things but nothing has become more delayed then the basics of life (i.e. laundry & housekeeping.) I will tell you that the largest negative to having a home based office is the fact that you are battling the priority of the jobs you need to do with the priorities of the household you need to keep. Should I be working on photos or washing clothes. Should I vacuum now or answer e-mails? It’s a constant pull in one direction or the other and everything seems to come to a decision as to what needs more attention now. And then there are the times where we want to blow off all responsibilities and build puzzles, snuggle little ones till they giggle uncontrollably or head out to the park and watch them just be. I secretly yearn for a housekeeper, a laundress and a secretary. Instead Rob and I trade off these hats depending on what time affords for them.

In general, things are well. They can always be better and we are working at getting them there. Looking at the overall scheme of things – our society as a whole, the economic conditions being what they are and the general volatility of life – I think we’re doing okay. And right now, that’s the best I can ask for.

Behind the 8 ball…

I have a lot I want to say and so much to review. I have such great pictures of Nilsa’s first birthday to share with you and this one is by far my favorite of Ari and Nilsa.

I am truly blessed with 2 fabulous kids. I know not how I got as lucky as I did. And you can see all the pictures from the party by clicking here and a very special thank you for photo contributors to this gallery – Diannie & Kathy. You can if you want buy prints from that site to if you guys fall in love with them. I’m not in the mindset to go into the party in detail but I did document it here at the colorblind blog if you want to read about it and lucky for me it’s been picked up by other websites already! How awesome is that?

Peppers & Pollywogs

Everyday Celebrating

Crash this Party

Swanky Tables

It really was an absolutely fabulous time and I’m grateful to those people who helped me put together the insane little details I came up with and joined us to enjoy fresh from the dairy milk, delectable cookies and the coolest balloon guy ever.

Yet internally I’m trying to figure myself out yet again. I’m overwhelmed with the amount of stuff that NEEDS to be done and the lackluster ability to really achieve it all. I hate to see the kind of stress and anxiety take a hold of Rob and it leaves me with an inability to help him through it. We try very hard to balance things in our household but it’s getting increasingly harder. Finding time to find what the bottleneck in our lives is while simultaneously giving our kids the attention they need leaves us trying to decipher what the best route to go is. And there’s barely time to even think about what that means or what we can do to help it. And in this all there’s flat out NO time for us as a couple. Monday is out 6 year wedding anniversary. It still feels like our wedding was only yesterday and yet it was 6 years ago. And how much has changed. So many good things have entered our lives and so many other things have occurred. I love Rob more then ever now. So much so that I worry immensely about him.

I’m hoping we can gather ourselves on Monday and not only enjoy each others company but start making a plan of action for our lives. The stress levels we are living with right now is unhealthy for us and will have a negative affect on the kids as I fear it’s at the brink of slipping over into them. There has to be a better way of doing thing then what we’re currently doing. We’re not failing. Things are well. We are just in a state of disorganization and disarray and that needs to change. So after the insanity that is this weekend (the most busy fall wedding weekend of the year out here in the North East) I’ve decided I need to really hash out what needs to be done to bring our lives to a more comfortable place. And I will do it. For us.

Grateful & Sentimental

It’s midnight. I should be asleep as I work tomorrow but instead I stayed up with Rob and as he worked discussed both the mundane things in life as well as casual mentions of where we want to be going forward. It is times like these that I realize how on the same page we are. Although I might be overly ambitious in my *want to dos* and he maybe at times a neurotic perfectionist, together we’re a balance of people with largely the same objectives and goals in life. We work so well together. How many people can say that not only do they love their spouse but also can successfully WORK with them without wanting to chew their heads off?

So here I sit in bed with my laptop. I quietly snuck a peak at my teething Little Ms. Nilsa and my adorable Arias and being the mom that I am listened to both of them breathe with the heavenly sounds that only your own child can make. They are beautiful children. I am at a place in life where, no, not everything is perfect. My house is a mess, I complain about not having time to do everything I really want to do, etc. But my life has a feeling of being complete. I could not have asked for anything better. And for that, I am grateful.

Long and maybe a little deep...

There are so many thoughts going through my head that it is hard to grab one and focus on making it become real. I always know what I need to do when I do not have the time to do it and when I am ready to do stuff, I can’t for the life of me remember what I wanted to do. It seems my mind is amorphous - sporadically radiating brief flashes of enlightenment. But life has a very set way of doing things – this to that and the other step. They don’t mesh.

At times I feel that having kids has closed a door into myself. The person I was is still there – somewhere inside me – but the day to day living is too loud to let that person have a say in much. I wonder what beyond Ari and Nilsa I talk about. And the reality is that I don’t talk much beyond that. What’s going on in my head? With me? With the person I am? With the things I find interesting and enjoyable or annoying and ridiculous? Why don’t I write about that much anymore? Why do I think my mundane day to day is all of a sudden so boring? But it's not the kids that's the issue. I don't blame them. They are one of the greatest things to happen to me and I do enjoy them to the fullest. I just don't think I have enough time with them. Not the time I want with them.

I’ve been absent for a while. Not in the physical sense. I mean, I’ve been around you know? But I’ve been absent, I think, from my life. I haven’t felt well and have been overwhelmed, broke, annoyed and worried about all sorts of things. I’ve been feeling a little sorry for myself, too, and have been using excuses about why I don’t… why I can’t… etc. I’ve been indulging in my inner adolescent, poor me-ness which is perfectly fine. We deserve the chance to step back and be sad from time to time and there might even be some benefit to that down time. Then again, there comes a moment when you have to tell yourself to stop playing the victim. I think I’m there, standing on the edge, looking out, and instead of woe-is-me’ing myself to death, it’s time to jump back into the game.

I find myself constantly berating my actions with what I ‘should’ do or ‘should’ have or ‘should’ be doing. I’ve fallen for the marketing tricks and moved into a stage of consumer rather than creator. I’ve seemingly lost the ability to use my mind to make things happen and instead I’ve bought things in attempt to have things occur. And I’ve failed. I need to stop consuming ‘things’ and start consuming ideas. I know there are things that are necessities but beyond that I’d like to go back to my thrift store ways, but ONLY for what I need and really want, not for the how-cool-greatdeal Stuff.

I think I want to focus on the “what” is important to me and to search out other techniques and ideas on those things I care about. I DO NOT want to be led astray by all the wonderful things there are out in the world. And there are so very many of them all screaming at me to buy them and trying to convince me that I need them, that I can't live without them and that they'll make my life easier. There’s too much on my plate right now to start playing with things that will only add another item to my to do list. Along with that, I want to avoid sitting in front of the TV just letting it play and distract me, even though there’s nothing on. I need to focus on the heart of what I want in my life, physically, mentally, emotionally and creatively. Trim away the distractions and the side-tracks and the fringes and the frou frou and learn to just do.

And writing has helped me so much in the past. I used to write so many things, selfishly writing for myself in the hopes of organizing my mind. And yes, it did help. I need to revisit that. I need so much. I want so much. I can do what I want if I can just own it. I have to find myself, despite myself.

So who am I?

Good question. I’m constantly evolving (aren’t we all?) If you know me you are witness to that. There are days I like myself and days I don’t. There are days where the world is carefree and days that I’m overloaded with the weight of my own expectations of myself. Yet I’m still me. Behind the guise of the full time worker, beyond the mother of 2 adorable children, past the wife of an unquestionably patient man and apart from the small business owner – I am me. That person needs to be at the forefront to be able to manage those things that necessitate my attention. I need to take care of me. I haven’t been doing a good job of that lately. And that’s ok. The first part of fixing things is admitting you have a problem.

I’ve been feeling as if I’m good at many things but excellent at none. I am making everything be more valuable then myself. I feel simultaneously demoralized and content. How’s that for a conflict of emotions? I’m at opposition to myself. It’s an internal battle. It’s something that the world around me doesn’t really see. I go through the motions of life and, yes, I take in the joys that every day life brings. It’s not that I’m sad all the time. This is even weirder. I’m not sad.

I’m disappointed.

I feel inadequate. I have ambitions to do 101 things and time is my enemy. I can’t do it all. Hell at this point I can't even do ONE. And my body just doesn’t have the energy to do as much as I want to do. Take a regular week of mine… I work Monday thru Friday. I’m in the office at 8am and out at 5pm. I lose the bulk of my time here. I’ve always said my full time jobs drain me of my energy and my creativity. This job no different in that extent although unlike my other professions at least this one keeps me on my toes and not bored out of my mind. After work my days are pretty similar. Home by 5:30 to make dinner, serve dinner & eat dinner. Then I do actually get me time at about 6:15p. It’s only ½ hour while Rob goes to pick up the kids and in that time I either load/unload the dishwasher, check e-mail, update quicken, or stare into space.

Once the kidlets are home its family time. We play, I try my best to be animated and interactive but some days I fail miserably. At 8:30 Ari gets his milk and Nilsa her bottle. At 9p Ari and I do the bedtime routine of changing into pajamas and reading books. I leave him and go get Nilsa and repeat the same with her. I sit in the bedroom until she lulls herself to sleep at which time I am so exhausted I usually end up going to bed. Sometimes I’ll go down and have a talk with Rob, drink coffee, have a glass of wine and then hit the sack. It’s monotonous and boring but life. Rob is sometimes on hand for family time. Other times he has meetings where the kids and I hang out in my bedroom and/or visit Tyler and Kathy & Eddie, or he’s working on Video or calling clients, etc where he’s in the office blocked by the child gate and has sporadic conversations with Ari who runs back and forth to talk to Daddy. Weekends take on all kinds of form. If there are no events then it’s me and the kids while Rob works in the office, or we get him in intervals, or we have stuff to do that’s outside the house. If I’m home I try to clean a bit with the kidlets running about. They have their nap schedules and their feeding schedules and I work around that but I notoriously feel behind the 8 ball, not dedicating enough attention to anything. If there are events I kiss my kids goodbye and head over to the latest wedding to shoot.

All in all life slips by without any focus on stuff. I’m making due and I hate the feeling of that. I’m seriously considering making a regimented schedule that will allocate time for Rob, for me and for the Kids. We’re flying by the seat of our pants and I think that nobody is really gaining anything from it.

Yet oddly – life is good and happy for the most part. And sometimes I feel bad even complaining about it. But the problem doesn’t lie with anything or anyone. It’s my own feelings about myself. So, yeah – I feel like my attempts at much anything are unexceptional. Mediocre at best. And although I’m not a total perfectionist, I’d like to think that what I do is notable and significant. So I’m struggling at how to manage to balance myself. I need to get off this highway I’m on and start taking side roads. It’s time for a road trip.

Pictures








Believe it or not - ARI took this picute