The torch has passed. Relax.

I don't know what to write. There is so much going on in my head as of late that I'm not focused on documenting what's going on in my life. So many things happening and yet I feel if I write them down I will be overwhelmed. Things at times are good. At times it feels as if my world is collapsing around me. There are things I understand and things I long to understand. Patience, never a strong suit of mine, is the only thing that I am supposed to be adhering to and I battle it. I have always wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. Life just doesn't work that way.

I went to a meeting in the city at the Cupcake Cafe directly after work yesterday.

Although I'm not a fan of the cupcake (or this ones confection at all), the frosting is what makes them and I will suck off the frosting and dispose of the often times boring cake associated. Which is what i did yesterday. But I digress, I do love this location for meetings though. Its a kitschy little place that shares its space with a children's book store. Just very warm and inviting and it was a good meeting.

I parked 3 blocks away (free parking!) so after the meeting it was already almost 8. I walked slowly and enjoyed the smell of the city, its bustle & vibe. I felt nostalgic as I always do when I'm back but I also felt enveloped in warmth. Hugged so to speak. And when I got to the car and sat down I was awash with tiredness. My feet throbbed as if I had been on my feet all day, my back hurt, my arms were sore. In that 3 block walk I managed to do something I haven't done in a while.....

RELAX

I let my guard down enough that I was overtaken by my body. I was so tired and yet it felt good to be tired. I embraced the feeling that evening. It felt good to FEEL something. It's peak wedding season. I'm working the full time job which has picked up a wee bit *thankfully.* I'm taking care of meetings, I'm out early mornings on weekends and not returning until late into the night. I'm constantly on the go and in that rush from here to there and back again I'm left with tunnel vision. Moving onto my next destination with no time to really breathe in the world around me. No time to really FEEL. My kids reach out to me every time I walk in the door as my presence, much to my dismay, is short lately. I sat with them yesterday on the couch. One on each side with their little heads on my chest and smiled. I felt satiated. I valued the little time they sat with me before they buzzed off in their toddler states to their next endeavor. I enjoy the fact that they want me around, need me but yet know that I do what I do and can let me go to do it. We've adapted to enjoy the time together as much as possible I guess. Or maybe that's what I'm telling myself.

I work hard. I don't give myself credit for that but I do. I realize how much my mom used to work as well. How much she still does. I realize now how much my mother in law works. They both have raised children and now assist with their grandchildren and the work they do in that is rewarding and everything around them affords them that reward. And that is what I'm doing now. Working hard for the reward of 4 little arms wrapped around me and a plethora of stolen kisses that make everything worthwhile. The torch has passed to the next generation. I realize that now. I need to remember to relax. I realize a lot when I give myself the opportunity to see what's around me.

I should take walks alone in the city more often.