At times I feel that having kids has closed a door into myself. The person I was is still there – somewhere inside me – but the day to day living is too loud to let that person have a say in much. I wonder what beyond Ari and Nilsa I talk about. And the reality is that I don’t talk much beyond that. What’s going on in my head? With me? With the person I am? With the things I find interesting and enjoyable or annoying and ridiculous? Why don’t I write about that much anymore? Why do I think my mundane day to day is all of a sudden so boring? But it's not the kids that's the issue. I don't blame them. They are one of the greatest things to happen to me and I do enjoy them to the fullest. I just don't think I have enough time with them. Not the time I want with them.
I’ve been absent for a while. Not in the physical sense. I mean, I’ve been around you know? But I’ve been absent, I think, from my life. I haven’t felt well and have been overwhelmed, broke, annoyed and worried about all sorts of things. I’ve been feeling a little sorry for myself, too, and have been using excuses about why I don’t… why I can’t… etc. I’ve been indulging in my inner adolescent, poor me-ness which is perfectly fine. We deserve the chance to step back and be sad from time to time and there might even be some benefit to that down time. Then again, there comes a moment when you have to tell yourself to stop playing the victim. I think I’m there, standing on the edge, looking out, and instead of woe-is-me’ing myself to death, it’s time to jump back into the game.
I find myself constantly berating my actions with what I ‘should’ do or ‘should’ have or ‘should’ be doing. I’ve fallen for the marketing tricks and moved into a stage of consumer rather than creator. I’ve seemingly lost the ability to use my mind to make things happen and instead I’ve bought things in attempt to have things occur. And I’ve failed. I need to stop consuming ‘things’ and start consuming ideas. I know there are things that are necessities but beyond that I’d like to go back to my thrift store ways, but ONLY for what I need and really want, not for the how-cool-greatdeal Stuff.
I think I want to focus on the “what” is important to me and to search out other techniques and ideas on those things I care about. I DO NOT want to be led astray by all the wonderful things there are out in the world. And there are so very many of them all screaming at me to buy them and trying to convince me that I need them, that I can't live without them and that they'll make my life easier. There’s too much on my plate right now to start playing with things that will only add another item to my to do list. Along with that, I want to avoid sitting in front of the TV just letting it play and distract me, even though there’s nothing on. I need to focus on the heart of what I want in my life, physically, mentally, emotionally and creatively. Trim away the distractions and the side-tracks and the fringes and the frou frou and learn to just do.
And writing has helped me so much in the past. I used to write so many things, selfishly writing for myself in the hopes of organizing my mind. And yes, it did help. I need to revisit that. I need so much. I want so much. I can do what I want if I can just own it. I have to find myself, despite myself.
So who am I?
Good question. I’m constantly evolving (aren’t we all?) If you know me you are witness to that. There are days I like myself and days I don’t. There are days where the world is carefree and days that I’m overloaded with the weight of my own expectations of myself. Yet I’m still me. Behind the guise of the full time worker, beyond the mother of 2 adorable children, past the wife of an unquestionably patient man and apart from the small business owner – I am me. That person needs to be at the forefront to be able to manage those things that necessitate my attention. I need to take care of me. I haven’t been doing a good job of that lately. And that’s ok. The first part of fixing things is admitting you have a problem.
I’ve been feeling as if I’m good at many things but excellent at none. I am making everything be more valuable then myself. I feel simultaneously demoralized and content. How’s that for a conflict of emotions? I’m at opposition to myself. It’s an internal battle. It’s something that the world around me doesn’t really see. I go through the motions of life and, yes, I take in the joys that every day life brings. It’s not that I’m sad all the time. This is even weirder. I’m not sad.
I’m disappointed.
I feel inadequate. I have ambitions to do 101 things and time is my enemy. I can’t do it all. Hell at this point I can't even do ONE. And my body just doesn’t have the energy to do as much as I want to do. Take a regular week of mine… I work Monday thru Friday. I’m in the office at 8am and out at 5pm. I lose the bulk of my time here. I’ve always said my full time jobs drain me of my energy and my creativity. This job no different in that extent although unlike my other professions at least this one keeps me on my toes and not bored out of my mind. After work my days are pretty similar. Home by 5:30 to make dinner, serve dinner & eat dinner. Then I do actually get me time at about 6:15p. It’s only ½ hour while Rob goes to pick up the kids and in that time I either load/unload the dishwasher, check e-mail, update quicken, or stare into space.
Once the kidlets are home its family time. We play, I try my best to be animated and interactive but some days I fail miserably. At 8:30 Ari gets his milk and Nilsa her bottle. At 9p Ari and I do the bedtime routine of changing into pajamas and reading books. I leave him and go get Nilsa and repeat the same with her. I sit in the bedroom until she lulls herself to sleep at which time I am so exhausted I usually end up going to bed. Sometimes I’ll go down and have a talk with Rob, drink coffee, have a glass of wine and then hit the sack. It’s monotonous and boring but life. Rob is sometimes on hand for family time. Other times he has meetings where the kids and I hang out in my bedroom and/or visit Tyler and Kathy & Eddie, or he’s working on Video or calling clients, etc where he’s in the office blocked by the child gate and has sporadic conversations with Ari who runs back and forth to talk to Daddy. Weekends take on all kinds of form. If there are no events then it’s me and the kids while Rob works in the office, or we get him in intervals, or we have stuff to do that’s outside the house. If I’m home I try to clean a bit with the kidlets running about. They have their nap schedules and their feeding schedules and I work around that but I notoriously feel behind the 8 ball, not dedicating enough attention to anything. If there are events I kiss my kids goodbye and head over to the latest wedding to shoot.
All in all life slips by without any focus on stuff. I’m making due and I hate the feeling of that. I’m seriously considering making a regimented schedule that will allocate time for Rob, for me and for the Kids. We’re flying by the seat of our pants and I think that nobody is really gaining anything from it.
Yet oddly – life is good and happy for the most part. And sometimes I feel bad even complaining about it. But the problem doesn’t lie with anything or anyone. It’s my own feelings about myself. So, yeah – I feel like my attempts at much anything are unexceptional. Mediocre at best. And although I’m not a total perfectionist, I’d like to think that what I do is notable and significant. So I’m struggling at how to manage to balance myself. I need to get off this highway I’m on and start taking side roads. It’s time for a road trip.
Pictures
Believe it or not - ARI took this picute
5 comments:
Like you said -- we are ever evolving. Life is a constant journey, destination unknown. I'm amazed that you can juggle so much so well!
Like someone once said to me….. that’s life, just suck it up and just do it. There are more unfortunate/devastated women dealing with worse situations. Thank God for your family who help you manage and juggle those things that necessitate your attention. You have a wonderful, supportive and patient husband and family, a lovely home and two happy and healthy children. If any veteran mother will tell you, there comes a time when life is not all about you but about your children, marriage, home and family. This is not to say that your wants desires and needs aren’t important but there comes a time when that has to take a back seat to make room for things that are more important than yourself. This may not be what you want to hear or may not seem supportive but such is motherhood and should not be looked upon as disappointing, monotonous or mediocre, but a badge of honor and an adventure of a lifetime. Marriage, home and children may not be the trip to “France” that you may have imagined but this other journey in itself is wonderful when you take the time to enjoy the beauty and scenery of where you are rather than wondering how “France would have looked like. When you look back upon your life what would you rather be remembered for, a successful accomplished women or for your kids to remember fondly they had a wonderful Mom and a great childhood. I know which one I would like to be remembered for…………Your kids and your marriage are the most notable and significant contribution you will ever have in this lifetime. No one will remember or care what awards you won how much money you made or how perfect anything was………. life does not run on a schedule………. sit back…………. and enjoy the ride.
Dianne - I feel like you were picking my brain when you wrote this. I think it is just the reality of being a working mom - it sucks.
Interesting post D. Being i think, a vetern mother (three kids 10,7, 6 yr olds)i think i can comment. I stayed home 10yrs with my kids till they were al school age. Doing the NY thing i went to therapy...I was told though i am a great mom/wife/student I needed and its extremely necessary for all (in this case women/mothers/multitaskers)to be selfish. to take time out for yourself doing whatever you want, going to salon, reading a book, night w/girls, date night whatever. that we can not lose ourselves in our stereotypical roles. we MUST claim ourselvesas the fun women we once are and that creating new bonding relationships with other females is also essential. Just because we take on another role-motherhood-does not mean we have to give up everything else about ourselves. though true it does become more limited. But we should definitely make time for ourselves at least once a week and monthly w/friends. I will admit trying to be Superwoman led me to a breakdown (taking lexapro, geodon and many other meds. a yr later i find myself with many new strong female friends, happier myself,even my kids are happier cause they see the difference in me. in the end it all is a balancing act. Since, you have such great family that is always so helpful you should have no problem getting some alone time for yourself and Rob. So maybe the ones that need to "suck it up" are the ones who really dont get what being a woman is all about.
I haven’t been getting your alerts so didn't know about this post until recently...finally had the pleasure of reading it and just feel the need to comment... Ok, everyone knows I have farm full of kids (11, 6, 5, 1). But I don't think the quantity or age of my kids is what defines a mother 'veteran', but the wisdom she gained from being a mother. That wisdom is gained from the lessons you learn as a mother, sacrifices you make, and success you achieve. But how you measure that success has to come from you. Not from anyone else. Here is a quote.
"We all start out with no discipline, no patience, no perseverance, no determination. We all start out at zero. People say, ‘You have talent.’ No, the gift is to realize that we all start out even. Whether we messed up or put our best foot forward, with these four qualities, we take care of our mental, physical and spiritual health each day. Am I the best in the world? No. The question is: Am I the best I can be?" Olmos, Edward James Actor
Do you, Dianne. Be you. Not what others expect. But in the process, don’t forget that motherhood is a partnership with fatherhood. Requires both to raise a happy, healthy family. :) By the looks of it, you’re doing a great job. As my mother in law would say….Must Let go…Let God!
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