This isn't forever. This is just right now.

Let me tell you a secret. I’m happy. I’ve been a bit hesitant to admit that but I am. It’s odd how when things go wrong you seem to want to tell the world about them. You want them off your chest and you want someone to nod reassuringly and hold your hand and tell you everything is going to be OK. You want to be comforted and enveloped in someone else’s nurturing words assuring you that things will work out. And we do this all because when life seems tough, we generally can’t for the life of us just up and say things will get better. We don’t allow ourselves to believe it even though we are quick to believe the same exact statement from another person.

And then when things are good and when life is smiles and sunshine, we shy away from admitting it. It’s like we are 12 years old and the admission alone will guarantee someone will come around screaming JINX! And that very thing will cause the sky to fall. I’m going to risk that right now because I am happy. And it is not in that complacent ‘it is what it is’ kind of way. No, I’m genuinely happy.

You want to know why?

I stopped caring so much and started living. I’ve finally accepted life as it is. And guess what? It’s not perfect. And that is the best thing of all! Because it’s not supposed to be! I’ve exhausted so much time in my life bitching and complaining and wondering when it will be my turn to live the life I want to live. Constantly telling myself that I don’t have enough time or enough options in life and that where I’m meant to be is someplace other then where I am right now. I have been feeling guilty of spending too much time away from my kids, not expending enough effort in my business and being lackluster in my full time job. 2010 started and we’re in April now and I’ve been put on a roller coaster ride in the last 3 months. I was given options, opportunities, and have completed tasks and had successes. I have busted ass, and lit fires under other’s asses and I have taken the time to sit down and see the beauty of everyday life. I stopped making excuses, and started making decisions.

I separated Dianne into the individual persons she is. Dianne the mom and wife, Dianne the Colorblind entrepreneur, Dianne the full time worker, and Dianne the self reliant individual. For a long time I actually thought that these individual representations of me had to be ‘on’ at all time and I finally snapped and realized, they are a part of me but don’t need to subsist simultaneously 24/7. How I haven’t crashed yet is alarming. And maybe that fainting spell last month (yes I fainted and it was not something I'd like to repeat) was the warning I needed that I needed to start taking better care of myself. And so, that’s what I’m doing.

I’ve started concentrating on Dianne the self reliant individual most of all! She is the life force and the authentic ‘me’ that I have lived with all my life. The confident girl that wanted what she wanted when she wanted it and did whatever she needed to do within her means to get it. The person who took self portraits on the regular, took the time to ensure she felt good in her own skin, and claimed vanity, to a certain extent was a good thing. I’ve let her slide. I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize the face looking back at me and so I actually went on a diet (my first ever and with success), started taking better care of myself and started being a bit selfish with myself. I’m in my 4th week of this operation and I feel better than I have in a long time. I am steadily getting back to being the confident devil may care woman I recognize.

I’m going to quote another person here because this really accurately describes what my current mindset about being a wife and mom.

Accept that your day to day life simply isn't always going to flow smoothly. You have to cede a certain amount of control in your life -- especially if you have kids. Some days you're going to feel like, "Shit! I'm so overextended. That feeling can be extremely frustrating -- until you say to yourself, "You know, things are just always going to be kind of out of balance."

And once you do that -- once you expect at least a little normal life chaos, and stop beating yourself up over it -- acceptance takes over. And here's the irony: once we begin expecting and accepting imbalance, that mind-set paradoxically guides us to periods of -- guess what? – balance

And that is where I am now, this odd reality that chaos is the norm and that perfection shouldn’t be a goal. We expend so much energy in our lives making sure we give the right impression to the world, making sure we look totally put together in everything we do. FREAKING OUT when things aren’t perfect when really, the dishes in the sink, toys on the ground and unironed clothes aren’t the enemy. The enemy is this compulsory need to make sure everything is where it needs to be and using up hours of precious family time to ensure that something that is not an immediate need is done that very instant. The floor can remain dirty so that you and your husband have a bit of adult time. That’s the kind of exhaustion one needs in their life, not the kind that comes with everyday living expectations. We can order out today so that the entire family can enjoy the 90 degree weather in April at the park. Life goes on even if you don’t get everything you want to get done - might as well enjoy it.

When I chose to return to my everyday job from another opportunity I had I wondered if it was the right choice. I now see it was the best choice for me. But in returning I changed a bit of my thinking. I returned with an understanding that it’s not worth bitching that I 'have to' work full time. It’s a job and a paycheck and they have an expectation of me in exchange for that paycheck. So what I need to do is live up to that expectation, do what I am paid for and leave. And that is what I need to do. Do they get on my nerves on occasion? YES. But the only reason is because I have not done what I should have done or I am letting something trivial get to me.

I am happy. Life is moving in the right direction. The road isn’t without its bumps, but I’ll take the bumps without bitching. It’s part of the ride. I’ve got a job, I’ve got kids, I’ve got life demands -- and I’m not going to apologize for anything, because I’m getting it done. This isn’t forever. This is just right now.