Overcommitted, Underwhelmed and feeling tired just contemplating it

Today Ari is a one year old.



A year ago he came into the world turning my already turbulent life on its head and redistributing priorities, reaffirming the person I am and want to be and throwing my already restless life into a state of disarray. That isn’t a bad thing. It’s amazing how differently I feel now then before he came into my life.

And, it seems, as a reminder of what those trying first weeks of life were, my little one is sick with strep throat and a horrible cold. So the frustration of a crying child that you don’t know how to help or what to do with to appease came back to me. It’s rather trying when it’s bad, but seems so worthwhile when solace is found and he snuggles comfortably into the crook of my neck and falls into a sleep state.

It’s painful to see him so sick. To wish his sore throat on myself, to pray that the nose will stop running and that he can breathe deep long breathes rather then half breathes through his mouth because he simultaneously wants to suck on his pacifier. To see the tiredness in the puffiness of his eyes and pray that whatever annoys him will let him at the very least escape it in sleep. He is not a happy camper and both Rob and I struggle with how best to help him.

Add to this the general madness of everyday life, an accumulation of unfinished work and unfulfilled requests, an inadequate amount of time to do all the stuff needed to be done and still take care of one another and keep on solid ground…..well you have the recipe for mild insanity.

Overcommitted and Underwhelmed suits me right now more then every.

Overcommit – v.
• to bind of obligate beyond the capacity for realization
• to allocate or apportion in amounts incapable of replacement

Underwhelm – v.
• to fail to excite, stimulate or impress

There is so much to do yet I find that I don’t’ think of myself as overwhelmed at all. Rob is overwhelmed. Actually beyond overwhelmed. I’m not. I’m rather stagnant in my commitments. I know there is much to do and still, I lack the motivation, excitement or thrill of doing them. I’m being mechanical and aloof. I fear that I’ve reached that sector of ‘uncaring’ about much of the things surrounding my life. Ari is the exception to the rule here. I seem to care too much lately. This intense care is new to me. And I fear it. I’ve always been easy going but lately I seem to find myself thinking that people are judging me as a parent. I’m not taking Advice I receive as a mere mention of things but rather as a critique. I find myself defensive. I reaffirm my decisions to myself. I’m in full realization that there is no critique coming to me but I still feel as if I’m failing. It’s my own personal issue.

I’m running a marathon against myself – but worse, I’m running it against the person I think I should be. The one who can maintain all things, do all things and organize all things. An unrealistic person. I’m bound to always fall behind in this race. I need to just let that ‘perfect’ person win because she is meant to win. She’s fictitious. I have to realize that I am winning in my day to day and that I need to STOP competing with this invisible image of perfection I’ve come to develop. I need to listen to my own advice.

So I need to establish some vows to myself that are realistic and commit myself to them. I need goals that I can be happy about achieving and that are achievable. I need to put my life in perspective. I have till New Years to figure out 5 goals to accomplish for the new years. Not resolutions but life goals that will radiate positive energy and allow me to comfortably commit my life to things of necessity, motivate me to move forward and accomplish more and energize not only my body but my soul. I think by doing this I can also reestablish a better relationship with Rob as we seem to be separately running parallel paths and we really should be running them together.

5 goals…