Si te apuras te mueres, si no te apuras tambien

As seems to be my lifelong endeavor, I’m trying to balance Colorblind, a full time job, family, friends and life in general. I want to give Rob more time and our family more time to be together. To do that I have finally made the decision for Rob to get assistance from a freelancer for Colorblind and just knowing this makes me happier. Assistance in the business will move to making it far more manageable and is something that will bring such joy to our household, less stress, and time -the elusive variable in most everyone’s life.

I’m learning to accept my life as it is. I bitch and moan way too much about wanting to change the reality that is my life. I go on and on about how I want to do Colorblind full time and concoct grand schemes and plans of what I’d do with all that time and how much more productive and amazing the company would be. I admit to being a bit too ambitious. There’s really nothing wrong with ambition if it doesn’t keep you from appreciating what it is you have. And I think I’m guilty of not appreciating how good I do have it as it stands. And I’m not talking about not appreciating my husband or my kids. I’m talking more along the lines of appreciating the time I have and the resources that are before me. Sure my ‘job’ is just that – a job - but it affords me the ability to do things to enjoy a lifestyle where we can get some extra thins and do some extra things. They might not be luxurious but they are ours and to be honest – we’re not really luxury having people. Without it who knows if I could afford things like getting Ari into the catholic school of my choice. Catholic school isn’t cheap.

I am making decisions based on what is BEST overall rather then what I want overall or what we aspire to be and it actually is so much more a beneficial and productive way to think. I am going to let myself just BE for now so that I can really figure out how to be better overall, and accept what it is that comes to me. I will get my chance. Now is not the time for it and I do no good to myself or my family in complaining about it. I know this seems like such a turn around from my overall frame of thought if you talked to me about this in the last few weeks. I was bad when the year turned over and I fell into a bit of a funk where I just had a mini breakdown. And I’m grateful to have Rob to vent to at those times. I love that he laughs at me sometimes. But I was just over the edge enough that he told me to open a bottle of wine and make myself a drink. And this breakdown wasn’t family related. Since Christmas I've had more family time in the last weeks that I've had in the last year. I've relaxed in my own house which is something I haven't done in a while. I just reached a point where I wanted to separate colorblind from my life and improve on it and feeling trapped by the obligations to my life.

So that was the last few weeks. I’m out of that now (thanks Robs) and I credit, most especially, a the watching and the conversation that ensued after watching Revolutionary Road. Something seemed to ‘click’ and I finally understood that I'm not conforming to an expectation or delaying anything by living the life that is granted to me. I need to start enjoying what I have and living in the moment and working on my own ambitions slowly - at a pace that is more do-able and stepping back to open my eyes to the happiness of what’s in front of me. It is only when I do that that I’m calm. That life makes sense and that I truly appreciate what I have that surrounds me. I am lucky.

I have resolved in getting junk I don’t want out of my house. Craigslist will help. I’ll do it slowly but I’ll get it done. And if it sells it sells – if it doesn’t I’ll give it away. Even $10 will help in this horrible economic environment. I’ll do it and in time get everything cleared out of the way. One man’s junk is another’s treasure right? Simultaneously I’m keeping an eye out for things that can help. We just got a great kitchen dining set for a steal on Craigslist and we so desperately needed it. Storage is something I’m trying to figure out. There’s so many random things *cough*kids stuff*cough* that need a home and I want a more efficient and visually appealing home for all the things. I’m in no rush. Things will come to me when they come to me.

Slowing down is good. Its odd. When you slow down enough – you realize that your goals seem to be far more accessible and your days seem just a little bit longer and more full of goodness. Time doesn't seem so elusive. I just need to repeat a mantra over and over to remind myself of this mindset. And thankfully it's in my most favorite song. In the words of Hector Lavoe & Willie Colon

Vive tu vida contento, asi viviras muy bien,
que si te apuras te mueres, si no te apuras tambien

TRANSLATION:
Live your life with happiness as you will live it best that way. Because in the end hurrying through it or not, you’re going to die, so might as well enjoy it.