Yeah. I'm vain.

There are days when I totally love the way I look. Today is not one of these days and because of it I'm posting this. I was/am part of this private online community where I used to love my outfits so much I posted what i looked like. Often. Such a narcissistic thing to do. And I knew it was vain. But I have never had a problem with vanity, or admitting that having it isn't necessarily a bad thing. Too much of it is bad, but too much of anything is. Vanity in moderation is what I consider my take on it. And well, watch as I do it in my blog now, because I need a reminder today that I like the way I look. This is my current favorite outfit. I feel very me in it. So much so that I'm sharing it.

And I have no idea why I'm standing so oddly in all these pics. Please excuse the wet hair. I need to learn how to apply makeup. I think I'm at the age where I need to start wearing some.





I love this outfit. I have not been feeling very me lately. Hell I haven't felt very me in a while. The kids drain me, the 2 jobs drain me, the lack of time drains me, and at the end of the day I sometimes don't care about anything but sleep. I've also been fairly unhappy with the way I look overall. Yes, I realize I'm thin and I hear that *reminder* every time I say to someone I feel fat, or floppy or pudgy.

At the beach last week, I took a good look at myself. I sat playing in the sand with the 2 kids and looked down to see my stomach pudging over my bikini bottom. Standing up I look OK. I've still got some tummy fat but it's going down. My waist has gotten slimmer and my ab muscles are becoming visible. My issue is that my stomach looks cellulitish. Which isn't horrible but leaves me feeling less then sexy. Especially when I sit down and it crumples in like a sharpei. And no, I'm not comparing myself to anything. I could care less what i look like in comparison to a non kid having 25 year old and I've never really compared myself to the over photoshopped modeling industry. I care only what I look like to myself in the mirror, knowing what it is I used to look like and hoping beyond hope that I can regain the kind of happiness in my own skin I once had. I mean I looked better in a bikini in Aruba 5 months postpartum with my 2nd child then I do now. And that honestly tells me there's something between THEN and NOW that I did wrong (ehem not exercise at all) that made me the way I am now and that allows me to get back to where I was in Aruba. So I guess I am comparing myself - to myself 1.5 years ago. I know my body has changed after 2 kids. I just want to feel more fit. So I go to the gym at 5:30am on weekdays. I've been going for almost 2 months now. I'm getting there. I just wish I could get there sooner.