Are you really pregnant?? Um yeah - why else would I be crying?

Over the past weekend, I kept hearing the inevitable "are you sure you are pregnant?" question. Kinda makes me feel good as some days I feel as if I'm no longer a sleek thin person. Not saying now, that I'm anywhere close to getting fat, but sometimes, you just feel it. Anyhow. Looking at myself in the mirror the other day, I realize something. I'm not so much increasing in belly, as I am in girth. It's like my hips, waistline and even my ribcage is widening. I don't feel fat as I feel wide. Does this make any sense?

I have an alarmingly real fear that I will gain a ridiculous amount of weight and never be thin again. Sure, I always say I am vain, and I admit to being so (it's healthy to a point) but since I've always been thin, the prospect of not being thin isn't appealing...and it's downright scary. And although I get the constant reminder of how my mom is thin and how I will "lose the weight without a problem" I have a fear of being overweight. I mean my screen name, the name of this blog - is LaFlacaD (translation in spanish for those who don't know - Skinny D.) If I'm no longer skinny - then well...I'll be lying to the world (and I'll probably get depressed too.) I've never had a weight issue - and that's what I think scares me the most. I don't really excersize much, and don't watch my calorie intake and don't do the diet thing. So it's a HUGE fear of mine that I'll have to start doing these things.

All my normal clothes still fit - and all the questions and commentaries on how thin I am, are kinda laughable as really - I'm just days short of the 12 week mark. It's still really early on in this pregnancy, so why are people expecting me to bud out already? Rob is my point of contact on my body changes. When I get in moods and proclaim I am fat - he quickly points out...

"Babe - You are NOT fat - you are pregnant!"

If I'm making these commentaries at 12 weeks - can you imagine when I really show? I'm going to be a mess.

I don't wanna be pregnant anymore - and other emotional ramblings

So, the hunger is curbing...I'm now telling myself to eat rather then being forced by hunger pangs. So I thought - wow - my one and only 'symptom' is gone.

WRONG! Welcome hormones.

Can I tell you how much hormones suck. They started slow last week, with stupidly crying for no reason. And the funny thing was I knew there was no reason. I just wanted to cry. And I'd sit there crying and laughing at myself like a goddamn fool...welcome this week when I have done a myriad of stupid comments and even stupider feelings were evoked...so stupid in fact that it's downright funny NOW. I get overwhelmed...and I pout - and I go into a tantrum and I cry - and cry - and cry. And Rob - oh poor Rob. Doesn't know what to do. And I have no idea what to tell him to do when I'm behaving so clearly irrationally. And during these times I no longer realize how irrational the behavior is.

I'm going insane. Is there something I can take that will make me plain ole normal?

Just you wait...why people line up and wait to say "I told you so"

One of my latest pet peeves is people who insist that my life will somehow mirror theirs, or that I'm an idiot and don't realize that as the old mantra is "A BABY CHANGES EVERYTHING." It's another of my fears now. This odd obsession not to be what I can't stand in other lives. I want to keep my individuality, be a parent sure, but at the same time not lose the person I am. I don't want to be "baby's mom" I want to be Dianne AND "the baby's mom" I want to balance the worlds. People out there do it all the time. I have friends that pull it off....

But then there these people out there, that seem like their life ambition is to make you REALIZE what's going to happen. Honestly when you think about it, NO ONE can prepare me for that and everyone reacts to everything differently, so this 'advice' you are giving me and this 'realization' that you think is going to help, comes across and a pre-empt to an "I Told You So" It's annoying.

So I have a new Mantra - that I must repeat to myself...I like it. I think it really encompasses my view of this pregnancy...

I know most of what I'll learn will just come when it comes. I'm far from one to claim that I'm an expert at anything, but I know the whole what to expect thing and I know enough to not even bother with 1/2 of the crap they put out there. I have one simple rule in this entire thing "take it as it comes" That's my mentality.

Not any book, research or single piece of advice from any person will remotely prepare me for that. So I'm not relying on that. I'm just going to roll with the punches and whatever life brings me is what I'll deal with when it arrives. Be it instinct, knowledge, research or plain ole frustration that gets me an answer when I need it - wonderful. But until then. I'm just being me. Same old person I've always been...with a new experience ahead of me which will give me the energy to just keep moving through life.

Life is good - it gives you surprises and you learn to deal with the little and big things that come. I like this feeling. It's a new 'goal' a new task...and it's going to throw everything up in the air....and me...well I'll just wait to see where everything lands before I even remotely begin to decipher what the best way to pick up the pieces is.

I'm going to take it a day at a time, I'm going to do things my way and if they're wrong then I'm going to learn from my own mistakes. So 'rubbing in' what will probably come anyhow is not going to serve any purpose but to piss me off. Sure I don't have kids now - but I'm pretty damn good at balancing out MY life with 2 jobs and a multitude of activities. I'm pretty organized and I know how to prioritize. I'm not perfect, but I'm far from horrible. And when this kid comes...well then my priorities are going to change and I'm throwing a whole new chapter into the mix and mess that is my insanity of a life and you know what - BRING IT ON! I'll take it like I do everything else and work it into my life so that I don't lose myself in it. Hell, I'm tired already -but there is NOTHING like the feeling of tiredness when you successfully accomplish all you set out for. I look forward to the tiredness of parenting.

So all those people out there itching to say I told you so....well...ya might get a chance and you might not. But for now...whatever.