I got my first package this morning. This grouping of clothes are for 0-6 months.
I've label shopped on eBay for these adorable Guess overalls, a positively exquisite running suit and even a Carter's fleece lined jacket. Tiny tiny little clothes.
Then this afternoon I get another package.
That picture only shows you some of the items. A total of 18 came in this group. And of them - the MOST ADORABLE ONSIES. OMG. This lot is for 3-6 months. And again I'm a label whore. Gymboree and Gap and Carters.
I feel good since I got all of these items for less then $40. But seeing them put me in a mild freak out. I'm still in it. I Feel really antsy right now. I'm panicking. I shouldn't but I am. It's still so surreal to me. Really it is. I'm conflicted in a mix of excitement and genuine fear. I look at how small this stuff is and wonder how the hell I can do this - what in the world am I getting myself into?
I'm sitting here at work and I'm freaking out. Its unbelievable. I wish I could have this kid already and see what life is going to bring to me. I fear that the next 3 months and then some will be riddled with worry for me. As I receive these adorable items as the reality of having this child faces me rather then occasionally knocking me from my insides. I think I might go more insane then I already am.
I'm scared I will not have that motherly instinct. Am scared that something might happen before then. God I'm paranoid, but now I have these little clothes and I worry that if something happens...I shouldn't have gotten these clothes. It's far too soon. I'm jinxing myself.
Yet I'm gleeful. I'm giddy with excitement a the fact that I'll have something to fill these clothes. Something that breathes, poops and drools in these clothes. Something that I will be responsible for. Something I'm going to get to discover a very new kind of love and attachment too. I want it already.
Conflicted. Such a perfect word for this.
I need to relax.
3 comments:
I have become a complete ebay addict lately too. And seeing all these ADORABLE clothes you have gotten makes me almost wish we had found out what we are having. Gender nuetral stuff just isn't quite as fun. And yep...I agree with all the crazy rollercoaster feelings you are feeling. It is very scary. That is why I can only concentrate on right now, or I totally freak.
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